The War Within

Do you ever feel at war with yourself?

I suppose this can happen in many different ways with different people but for me lately, it has been a constant war with my spirit and my flesh and the desires of both.

Our pastor has been doing a mini-series on Elijah (which has been amazing) and he's talked the last couple weeks about going into the "deep" spiritually. Coincidentally enough, "launch into the deep" has been the call I've heard from God for a couple of years now without really knowing what He meant by it. There have been a few times where I thought I knew, only to find out later, that's not quite the direction He had in mind. But this idea of the "deep" has not been new to me and God sends it roaring into my radar every now and then just to make sure I haven't forgotten that He's called me to the "deep." What that "deep" is I'm still praying through. 

So...this war within myself. I find myself praying earnestly and genuinely for the Lord to break me. I know that it is only when I am truly broken that I can be used by Him as He desires to use me. I want Him to let loose in my life and allow me the opportunity to do something incredible in His name and for His glory. But then...

My flesh begins to creep in and I start to think..."Well, I want You to go crazy in my life, Lord, but maybe not too crazy. I like my comfort and the slight predictability that I have. I like knowing what's coming. I like structure and rules and knowing what's expected of me." And then that spirit side jumps in and says, "Yeah, but God doesn't always operate like that and if you're truly offering yourself, you're going to have to let that go." Oh, that's scary. Letting go of control...

Letting go of the reigns of my life so that He can truly REIGN in my life. 
Letting go of what I think I know so that He can be the ONE that I KNOW. 
Letting go of what I think I want so that He can do what HE WANTS.
Letting go of my desires so that He can give me HIS DESIRES. 

So I find myself vacillating between these two extremes and it frustrates me. I don't want to cater to my flesh. I want to feed my spirit and allow God to do what He will. 

I'm sure I'm not alone in finding myself comparing my Christian walk and life to others. I see how God uses others in such incredible ways and wonder why not me, Lord? But then our pastor said something that punched me in the gut on Sunday morning and has been bubbling at the surface of my mind the last few days. 
He said, "What is significant about those that God uses is not their gifts, talents, or position - it is their SURRENDER." 

That's just it - I have not fully surrendered. And I know that surrender is not a one time deal. It's a process. A process that God and I are working through together.

I know that the flesh is where the enemy wants me to stay and camp. But I also know that I have a Savior fighting for me. My prayer and my plea is that I will seek the Lord with all that I have and allow Him to continue to refine me. I know that refining may hurt and it might not be pretty. But I also know that it is out of the ashes of a life broken for Him that He can truly make beauty. I've seen it first hand. 

I want to experience all that obedience and surrender to Him have to offer. Therefore, no matter what, my spirit will win the war over my flesh. There is no other option.  

Photo not mine.

Used from ryanbeanforjesus.blogspot.com 

Full Circle (Part 2)

Wow. It has been months since I've blogged. Never my intention. But school started and life just went full blown crazy after that. Lots of changes happened this year at school and I was involved for a while in what seemed like a million different things. Then, I let a few things go and have been trying to be more intentional about spending time with my family. But I miss writing. Every so often I think about a topic I'd like to write about and then....life just happens and I forget. Well, here I am now.

Last July I wrote a blog titled "Full Circle" about my reunion of sorts with my roommate from college. Little did I know in July, that I would become part of a team of incredible women who would plan a 5k to fight human trafficking in our city and abroad. My amazing church is hosting our 1st annual Prizm 5k on April 23rd to raise funds for Porch Light ministries that operates a local safe house for rescued girls and also for The Hard Places in Cambodia that has been and is doing incredible work to fight trafficking over there. 

We've been planning since October and as soon as we knew the date and the final details, I asked my girl if there was any way she could hop on a plane to come speak at our event. She said yes. She bought the ticket. And in 19 days, I get to see her radiant face and hug her and rejoice over the story that our incredible God wrote for her and decided (for whatever humbling reason) to make me a part of as well.

We are both giddy with excitement and overcome with complete joy that God has written this into both of our stories...that after 10 years, we get to be together again. She made the statement last week that this was so surreal for her. The last time she was in Lakeland (or Florida for that matter), she was selling herself/being sold...and now, she is coming back to help free other girls like her. If you don't believe that only God can orchestrate something so meaningful, then I honestly feel sorry for you. THAT, my friend, is a full circle. A complete circle sealed together with love, friendship, restoration, forgiveness, safety, family, and peace. This time when she runs...she gets to run FOR freedom instead of TO freedom. This time when she runs....she gets to run TO HELP RESCUE instead of TO BE RESCUED. This time when she runs...she gets to run TO HELP GIVE LIFE instead of TO SAVE HER LIFE. This time she gets to run for others instead of herself. 

What about you? What have you been running from? Could you put that energy toward something greater than yourself? If you're anywhere in the Greater Orlando or Tampa area or anywhere in between, register for our Prizm 5k. You won't be sorry. Maybe you can be a part of a full circle story for someone else. 

fuel.church/prizm5k

REGISTER TODAY!!!!

Ever Be...

It's rather difficult to explain what exactly happened to me last Sunday morning in the middle of our service at church. I didn't come in with a particularly heavy heart. I'd had a good morning and wasn't frustrated. I was happy to be in the Lord's house and was excited to hear our Pastor bring the Word. I expected to be ushered into a beautiful time of praise via our worship band and I expected to be challenged during the message. What I did not expect was the spiritual drenching I received from the first chord of the first song to the last drum beat of the final song and on throughout the remainder of the day. 

Out of nowhere, the tears came. With each song, I felt something different being spoken to my spirit. We sang "This is Amazing Grace" and I was overwhelmed by the fact that I receive an amazing grace that I can never do anything to deserve. With "For the Cross" I broke down over the sacrifice my Savior made for me - my death that He took upon Himself. With a Fuel original called "Jesus We Adore You" I was brought back to that idea of Jesus being my first love. I remember thinking most girls have the ability to say that their daddy was their first love but I didn't have that. I had it better. Because my Heavenly Daddy, my Savior, truly was my first love. But perhaps the song that resonated with me most and has been speaking to me all week, was "Ever Be."

In case you aren't familiar with this beautiful song from Bethel Music, the lyrics go like this: 

Your love is devoted
like a ring of solid gold
Like a vow that is tested
like a covenant of old
Your love is enduring
through the winter rain
And beyond the horizon
with mercy for today

Faithful You have been
and faithful You will be
You pledge yourself to me
and it's why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips,
ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips,
ever be on my lips

You Father the orphan
Your kindness makes us whole
You shoulder our weakness
And Your strength becomes our own
You're making me like You
Clothing me in white
Bringing beauty from ashes

For You will have Your bride

Free of all her guilt
and rid of all her shame
And known by her true name
and it's why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips,
ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips,
ever be on my lips 

You will be praised You will be praised
With angels and saints we sing worthy are You Lord
You will be praised You will be praised
With angels and saints we sing worthy are You Lord

and it's why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips,
ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips,
ever be on my lips

This song has been my praise this week. But as I sang it (through tears and snot) on Sunday, it hit me. If His praise is always on my lips, then there isn't room for other stuff. I wouldn't have room to complain or grumble. I wouldn't have room to gossip. I wouldn't have room to speak any type of negativity. If His praise is ever on my lips, then none of that other stuff can seep out. And so, that is my goal. My goal is to have His praise always on my lips, whether it be in the form of gratitude or encouragement or positive words...somehow, some way, I will strive to always be praising Him. If His praise is in my heart constantly, then everything I say and do will be filtered through that...and I can think of no better way to live this life. I'm not going to get it right every day. But at least it's a reminder I can give myself when I find myself faltering. 

Lord, help me to ever be...praising YOU.

Image borrowed from http://hecallsmelovely.com/

Temple Building

If you've followed my blog for a few years, you may remember back in 2013 when I wrote about the healthy journey I was on at the time. I lost 20 pounds during that journey. I enjoyed that journey. You can read about it if you like - here or here. As I read over the words I wrote over 2 years ago, I feel a twinge of inner pain, guilt, and disappointment. I was so sure then that the journey I was on was unending. And, in all honesty, it is - it just took a detour for a few years. I'm sad to say that probably a few months after that second post I wrote, I took a wrong turn on that journey of mine which lead me back to my unhealthy habits and subsequently a 30 pound weight gain. Yes, I gained all 20 pounds back plus 10 more. This year was the worst. We had started eating out more than we used to, ordering pizza at least once a week, and I drank more soda than I had in a very long time. 

But about 2.5 weeks ago, that all changed. After deciding before we left for vacation in Alabama that something had to change and I had to get serious, I bought the book - The Daniel Plan. I read and finished that book in about 3 days, pumped and ready for our big change when we returned. I stopped caffeine and sugar cold turkey. The first 3 days were tough y'all - - - like mentally, physically, and emotionally. I knew what I was doing was going to benefit me in the long run but the side effects of a full on detox simply suck! Headache, body aches, extreme fatigue - it wasn't pretty. But I made it through. While I didn't do a pure 10 day detox like it suggests in the book, I did enough to lose weight and start feeling way better. 

What's the difference this time? Well, I am so glad you asked. In my journey before, I had a few of the essentials The Daniel Plan describes and, in essence, prescribes. The 5 Essentials are Faith, Food, Fitness, Focus, and Friends. In order to be ultimately successful, you have to combine all 5. Our physical health is tied to our spiritual health in a number of ways. I believe the Faith essential and the Focus essential were the 2 that I lacked before. While I prayed about my health journey before, I didn't quite look at my food choices as a form of worship. The Bible states that our bodies are the temple. I've always looked at that as more of a sexual purity sort of thing rather than a health thing as well. In the Bible, God's people were only to bring in their very best to the temple. If my body is the temple now, then I should only be providing it the very best. I must care for it - the Lord's dwelling place. 

I'm learning a lot on this journey. I'm learning how to read labels and understand ingredient lists. I'm learning that support is absolutely critical. I'm learning that the more time I spend with God, the more I crave Him and not certain foods. I'm learning that certain things I thought were "healthy" were really just disguised very well. I'm learning that I will occasionally make bad choices when it comes to food and that's okay. Instead of beat myself up, I make note of that choice and how it effects me. I'm learning that God loves me like crazy, extra weight and all, but He desires more for me. In order to be truly used by Him in my full potential, I have to make sure my body is up to it. 

I've lost 7 or 8 pounds, depending on the day, so far. I have more energy. I'm in a better mood. I'm trying new recipes. Sure I've messed up a few times. I just dust myself off and move on. I hope you'll follow me on this journey. Perhaps the more I blog about it, the more accountable I'll be, and one day you'll see the real before and after - the me that craved toxic, poisonous garbage and the new me that craves healthy, life giving goodness...and Jesus. 

Here's to building the temple up the way it should be....

Photo Credit: Me:)

Full Circle

Ten years ago I met a girl online who would later become my first roommate in college. We were fast friends, taking college by storm. Well, maybe not by storm. But I loved her like crazy and I tried my best to look out for her. You see, she and I came from very different worlds. In fact, the only real thing we had in common was the love of writing...and Jesus. But it didn't matter. We became nearly inseparable for the first several months. I won't get into the nitty gritty of how we started to drift apart; but it happened and soon summer came. Little did I know, I would only be in touch with her for a few more years. She came back to Southeastern for sophomore year but headed to St. Leo University after that. It wasn't long after I married my husband that we lost touch completely. 

I wanted to tell her when we found out we were pregnant, but couldn't find her. I've actually been searching for her for years. Years. Crazy right? Every few months, I'd run a search on Facebook or Google, typing in anything I knew about her or locations that I thought she might be. I could never really find anything. As a matter of fact, my last search of her was just a few weeks ago. 

Then, enter Saturday night. I received a direct message through Instagram (my first ever). I didn't recognize the username as anyone I followed and I was supposed to approve a picture they sent to me. Um, sketchy. But as I peered at the little thumbnail photo, I new I recognized that tiny little side profile. I immediately opened it up and lo and behold, it was HER! I squealed! "You found me!" I wrote back. "I've been searching for you forever." We chatted on Instagram for a bit before agreeing to chat on the phone the following day.  

On Sunday, before I was expecting her call, I ran another search on Google...only this time I ran it with her new last name. She changed her last name which is why I could never find anything. She had been adopted! My search led me to part of her story and as much as I knew about her scarred life before, nothing prepared me for what I read. There was so much more darkness she'd walked, crawled, and run through than I could believe. She called me right after and we talked for an hour about her life...about what we'd missed....and about how wonderful her life is now. 

Friends, my sweet college roommate is a survivor. Of course, I already knew a few things she was a survivor of: eating disorders, cutting, alcoholism, rape...to name a few. But I learned that this sweet friend of mine was a sex trafficking survivor. Sold by her own parents at age 6, she spent the next almost 2 decades living in that lifestyle, perhaps even in the time we lived together...and I never knew it. I was dumbfounded! But by the grace of God, her story didn't end there. As she recounted the last 5 years of healing for her, tears streamed down my face. I only ever wanted good things for her. I wanted her to get the help she needed and oh, did she get it. She's now living in a safe house in California as a big sister and mentor to the girls they rescue. Her adopted mom is a modern day abolitionist doing amazing work for the anti human trafficking movement through her organization Courage Worldwide and I cannot thank God enough for finally giving her the mother and father she deserves.

She has such an amazing story of redemption and grace and I am so thankful that 10 years later, she is doing amazing things and changing lives. She sure changed mine a decade ago. From our first connection online 10 years ago to our re-connection this weekend online, we have certainly had a full circle reunion of sorts. And words will never be able to express how grateful I am!

Teachable Moments...

Okay, first of all, it has been WAY too long since I've posted. January...what?! Life got crazy. We went straight from the holidays into crazy crunch time at school not only preparing our kiddos for the tests to come but purging and packing our classrooms  to move our sweet school to our new campus over Spring Break. Things just haven't slowed down since and I rarely venture into the office for anything other than to retrieve something so sitting and writing took a back seat. But I need to blog. People have been asking. I've been itching to write. So, it's time. Bear with me...I may have forgotten how to form a sentence....ha!

One of my constant prayers as a mother is that the Lord would provide teachable moments in my time with my son. These teachable moments come in the forms of questions he asks, situations that arise, or discipline that needs to be carried out. My goal is to always point it back to Christ. How's that working, you ask? Well, most of the time, if I'm being perfectly honest....I fail miserably. Maybe I'm "too busy" and don't take the time to really answer his question. Maybe that situation I just brush under the rug. And that discipline? Maybe frustration and impatience get the upper hand and I let a teachable moment slip by yet again. It's not intentional but then again, that means I'm not being intentional at all in those moments God provides for me.

Saturday was different though. Hubby was with his brother working a side job so Gabe and I had the first part of the day to ourselves, just the two of us. That honestly doesn't happen too often and I wanted to make sure I spent time with him while also getting things done. I turned up some music and he helped me out around the house. Then we were in his room while he was putting toys away and I was putting his clothes away. I don't even remember what was said but I mentioned to him that he was not being nice. The conversation started something like this:

Me: You are not being very nice.
G: Well....
Me: Well, do you want to be mean? (I'm expecting him to say no of course)
G: Yes.
Me: (Thinking he has not understood the question) Do you want people to be mean to you?
G: No.
Me: But you want to be mean to others?
G: Yes. I want to be mean.

At this point, I need to prove a point and not launch into a lecture to a 4 year old whose eyes will glaze over after 20 seconds. So, I softly but firmly told him I would not be helping him anymore and I left the room. Of course, my child, being the sensitive one that he is, immediately began crying. I waited about a minute before re-entering the room to talk to him.

Me: Did you like it when mommy left?
G: No.
Me: Did you think I was being mean?
G: Yes.
Me: How did that make you feel?
G: Sad.
Me: Well, buddy, that's how other people feel when you're mean to them.

At this point, we moved our conversation to the couch in the living room. He sat in my lap as I began to really use this moment to point it back to Christ.

Me: How does Jesus want you to treat people?
G: Good. He wants us to be nice.
Me: Right. And don't you want to be like Jesus?
G: But I want to be mean.
Me: (Thinking I'm losing him somehow) Buddy, why do you want to be mean? That hurts mommy's heart.
G: Well, when bad guys come, I want to be mean.
Me: (I have realized we were on completely different pages) Ohhhh, so you want to be mean to bad guys. Not everyone?
G: Right. I'm going to be mean to bad guys.

I could have left it there. I could have told him that mommy didn't understand before and thought he wanted to be mean to everyone and that now I understood. But, I felt the Spirit urging me to take it deeper. And, so I did.

Me: I understand wanting to be mean to bad guys. But can I tell you something? You know when Jesus died on the cross?
G: Yeah, when he died and then he came back to life 3 days later?
Me: Exactly. Do you know that there were bad guys that killed him? They beat him and made fun of him and they killed him.
G: There were?
Me: Yes. But do you know that He was never mean to them? In fact, He asked God to forgive them. And He loved them.
G: Wow. So we show love to bad guys too?
Me: Yes. I know that's hard but Jesus wants us to show love to everyone.



(Note: Between the above and below sections, months have passed. I got sidetracked when I started writing this and just now picked it back up. So this whole story is actually like 2 or 3 months old. I apologize.)

It seemed to sink in. Then, he ran to get his little devotion book I got him for Christmas. I turned to that day to read the devotion and the scripture that went with it was exactly what we needed. He got his Jesus Calling Children's bible story book which of course had the story we needed as well. I just love how God orchestrates things. We read the story of Jesus dying on the cross and how they beat Him and spit on Him and He never uttered a mean word. He asked the Father to forgive them instead. It was a beautiful moment that I was able to pause and really take the opportunity to teach my little guy a lesson. Let's be real...even mommy needed that lesson too. 

Thank you, Jesus.

Image borrowed from {http://www.teach-through-love.com/watch-free-trainings.html} 

Being Intentional

I started thinking about my overall goal for 2015 several weeks ago. Last year I made the goal to "finish what I start." I revisited that particular blog post a while back and tried anxiously to reflect back on my year to see if I had indeed achieved my goal. Sadly, I realized that I had not achieved to the level I desired. I did finish a 5k in March that I had on my list of things to accomplish and I believe I became better at communicating in certain relationships. But overall, in several areas of my life, I failed miserably.

So, this year I wanted to approach a bit differently. First, I wanted to have the support of my husband. I wanted to be in it together. Yes, we are always doing life together but I wanted to work on our goals together as a couple. We discussed what we wanted to work on in our individual lives first which actually lined up with one another. We both wanted to be sure we were using our time and finances wisely but we also wanted to make sure we were treating our bodies the way our Creator would desire - like the temples they are. The logical conclusion we came to was that we simply have to be intentional.

Time.

It goes by too fast and once it's gone, that's it. There is no going back no matter how badly you wish you owned a working Tardis to transport you back in time. It is a precious commodity and, I'm sad to admit, too often I squander it by watching multiple episodes of Netflix shows, perusing my Facebook feed, and pinning new recipes, organizational tips, or DIY projects. My husband will tell you the same is with him - he plays video games, watches numerous how-to tutorials on YouTube, or mindlessly watches multiple episodes on Netflix with me. We are both guilty of allowing time to escape. So, we've decided to take back our time. We started studying the Bible together each night. He has read through the entire Word of God but I, shamefully, have not. I decided it's time. I read out loud and we stop and discuss different areas that need further clarification or on topics of personal interest. We do this after our little one is asleep and before we turn any Netflix on or anything else. Before the holidays, we also started a "No Screen Sunday" tradition. On Sundays, we have decided as a family to designate that day as purely a day to focus on God and family time. Other than text messages or phone calls with friends and family, our phones are mostly off limits, the TV stays off (at our house at least), and the computer is forbidden (unless necessary - as it is at the moment because I am finishing this blog after I finished my lesson plans). It has really made me realize how often I reach for my phone without thinking to look at facebook or instagram or pinterest. While none of those things are inherently "bad," they can become like idols if I'm not careful. And nothing and no one deserves that spot other than Jesus. 

Finances.

Hubby and I have come a long long way in how we view our finances. We are no longer the "We want it, let's put it on credit" type of people. Been there. Done That. Got the debt to prove it, thank you very much. We are slowly but surely digging ourselves free from the pit that debt has had us in financially. I can finally see a light at the end of the proverbial debt-ridden tunnel. We still have a long way to go but we will get there with discipline and, you guessed it, being intentional. We are human and naturally we have desires for certain material things. We also know what giving into those means for us and so we desire now to be more intentional with the money we spend, not that there's much left after our bills anyway. Ha! A friend of mine taught me to filter possible expenses (wants) through the lens of "Will this somehow benefit the kingdom of God either through my personal relationship with Christ or the blessing of another person?" So that $5 I spent to let my kid run around at Fun Center yesterday I felt was filtered through that lens. I wanted to let him have fun and I wanted to enjoy watching him have fun rather than sitting at home while I "got something done" and he played video games or watched television. It was an investment in my child and it even allowed for some teachable moments. Whenever other children (who lack some supervision or discipline) are around, teachable moments (especially about grace) abound. 

Body.

Every year. This seems to be a resolution I make every year. And naturally, I'm frustrated that it has to be since I don't follow through. But if we want to keep in line with our goal to be intentional then we must also learn to be intentional with what we put into our bodies. The first 3 days of the new year found us experiencing a 3 day detox. Neither one of us had ever done anything quite like that before and it was an interesting experience. I felt the need to jump start the new year of eating healthy by ridding our bodies of the sugar we had gorged ourselves on throughout the holidays. I tell ya, drinking 3 meals a day for 3 days is not for the faint of heart. I learned some serious self control in those 3 days but I also realized the amount of food I consume when I am simply "bored" because oh, hey, I'm not being intentional with my time. You see, it's a cycle. I lost 6 pounds in those 3 days but I gained much more: motivation, discipline, will-power, desire, etc. Yes, I want to lose weight and I want to look good. But more than that, I want to be and feel healthy. I can do more for others and follow God's call better if I am healthy physically. 


So all in all, I guess you could say that my amazing other half and I are working toward intentional transformation in 2015 - financially, physically, and spiritually. And I think, they all go hand in hand. 

What about you? What are your goals for the year? What sorts of things can you be intentional about? I'd love to hear from you!

Image retrieved from whitpics11.blogspot.com