A Parental Confession

Let me preface the following sentence with a disclaimer: it is the understatement of a lifetime.

Being a parent is tough.

That tiny little statement does not even breach the reality of what being a parent is all about and how tough our jobs are.

Parenting period is no small task...but parenting a toddler? It is not for the faint of heart. Apparently, I was a fairly easy child and did not have the terrible two or three tantrums like I am being blessed with as a parent myself right now. Don't get me wrong...I love that little boy of mine with every fiber of my being. But sometimes, I simply don't know.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.
I don't know if I'm saying the right thing.
I don't know if I'm disciplining in the right way.
I don't know if I'm showing him enough affection and attention.
I don't know if he comprehends how much I truly do love him.
I don't know if I am a good enough mother.

And there you have it. What is "good enough?" Our society seems to be overrun with "mother wars" as I like to call them.

Breastfeed vs. formula
Cloth diaper vs. disposables
Co-sleep vs. independent sleeping
Cry-it-out vs. on demand
All natural everything vs. convenience
Santa vs. no Santa
Vaccinate vs. no vaccinate
Spanking vs. no spanking
Circumcision vs. no circumcision
Stay at home vs. working mom


This list of arguments goes on and on. As mothers, we are the quickest to judge another mother who does things differently than we do. That's why it is so hard to take advice from others these days. Because if you're doing it one way and you seek advice from someone who does it differently, 9 times out of 10, they are going to make you feel inferior. They are going to make it sound like you have been neglecting your child or not raising them properly. In a really nasty nutshell, you'll end up feeling like a bad parent.

But why should you? Do you love your child? Do you provide them with the care they need? Do you feed and clothe them? Do you spend quality time learning about them and teaching them the skills they need to be successful? Isn't that what being a parent is all about?

Am I a bad parent because I only fed him breast milk for the first few months and then went to formula or because I use disposable diapers or because I don't allow him to sleep in bed with us or since I did use a form of cry-it-out or because I tend to buy what's convenient or because I'm going to allow my son to believe in Santa or since we vaccinated him or because we didn't circumcise him or because we do spank him or because I work away from home?

Does any of that make me a "bad parent?" Or make my husband and I bad parents? No. It makes us parents that try to do things that will work for our family. Everyone is different. Every child is different. And everyone is entitled to their own strong opinions as well as making informed decisions. Would I do things a little differently knowing what I know now? Certainly. But I have no regrets.

My number one prayer is that we cultivate the love of God and the love of people in the heart of that precious boy that has been entrusted to us. I pray that he will learn the importance of forgiveness, serving others, and unconditional love from both his father and myself.

If you do things differently, I'm happy for you. If it works for you, then keep on keeping on. Instead of bashing the decisions of other mothers or fathers, we should support them when they are struggling. Instead of saying, "You should do it this way," maybe we should try, "Well this worked well for me. You could try it and see."

I'm tired of seeing the "mommy wars" on facebook and in magazines. We are so judgmental of others - myself included. Let parents be parents - if it's not emotionally, physically, or otherwise hurting the child, let it be. Let's support each other and uplift each other.

My confession to you is that I don't have it all together as a mom. I certainly don't have all the answers. But guess what? Neither do the rest of the parents out there. It's okay to question if you're doing everything right by your child. It's natural. Healthy, even, I would venture. But don't let that stand in the way of standing your ground on how you choose to raise your child. And definitely don't let anyone tell you you're wrong.

The End.

Photo retrieved from www.christianitytoday.com - It's such a great reminder!

The Confession Sessions

Sometimes I think it's a good idea to just sit down and write out a list of confessions. So, in good fun, here are my top 10 confessions as of right now (listed 10-1):

10. I hate yogurt. Like seriously...I have tried multiple flavors. I can't do it. I WANT to like it. I really do. But it's icky. 

9. I love frozen yogurt. Now that is my type of "yogurt." My favorite indulgence is a spontaneous trip to Gelati Joe's for a Snow Yo or to Froyoz for a cup full of flavor and toppings. 

8. I actually watch the shows my son watches...even the ones I've seen over and over. Is there something wrong with me?

7. I'm a rule follower. Seriously, I don't like to break rules and have minor internal melt downs if I find out I've broken a rule. 

6. Number 7 does not apply to the speed limit. That's a rule I generally don't mind breaking...from time to time. :)

5. I'd really like to a run a 5K. I'd really like to be able to run a 5K without any training at all. Possible? Um, no...I'm not crazy. I just want to mark that off my list and I don't want to have to prepare for it. Wah!

4. I have bought 2 bags of assorted chocolate candy bars for my students. I'm on the 2nd bag and I think I can count on 2 hands the amount of candy my students have actually eaten. GET IT OUT OF MY DRAWER!!!

3. When we don't have extra money to spend, I want to spend it. When we do have extra money to spend, I don't want to spend it. Does this strike anyone else as odd and backwards?

2. I wonder how long it will take me to truly realize that half the stuff I pin on pinterest I will never do.  

1. I'm a really good procrastinator...like, I might be the best in the business. Except, I'm starting to feel the effects...which means I probably need to stop doing this right now and go get stuff done. 

The End. 

Image retrieved from "GoogleImages"

The Devil's D List

"He prowls around like a lion, seeking whom he may devour."

The devil. Did you know he has a "D List?" Well, he does.

We've just started a study in our small group called "Twisting the Truth" which has us diving into the unseen spiritual world, an often-times scary place. As the bible says, we don't fight against flesh and bone but against the evil spirits of this world.

We took a pretty close look at the enemy himself as described in the bible on Saturday night and seeing some of the scripture through a different pair of eyes made for some pretty frightening revelations. Satan has been given this world. For now, of course. We know Who wins in the end. But nonetheless, it makes it no less horrifying that we have to live in a world that is basically ruled by our enemy. Thinking about it sends chills up my spine.

Thankfully, we have been given tools to keep him from overpowering us. The Word of God, our Salvation, the Holy Spirit, prayer! Oh, there is so much power in prayer.

With that said though, we still have to be alert and vigilant because the top thing on his "D List" is deception. He will twist anything he can, ever so subtly to make you believe it. This is how he worms his way in and the deceiving begins. In our discussion Saturday night, we came up with a small list of things that this deception causes, and as the week progressed, my husband and I have been coming up with more.

In the church, deception causes dissension and division.
In marriages it causes divorce.
In individuals it causes drama, delusion, and can be the catalyst for drug use and drunkenness.
In Christians, it causes doubt.
He goes to work in people to cause depression and despair.
All over the world, the devil's "D List" is taking over minds, hearts, marriages, churches. Any little door he sees cracked open, he will slither his way into and then squeeze the very life out of his prey! He is the prince of darkness. His ultimate goal? DEATH & DESTRUCTION!

Not necessarily physical death, although that can certainly be part of it. But he calls for a spiritual death - a death much worse than anything physical might cause. The death and destruction of your own soul...

It sounds far-fetched right? Except that this is exactly what so many people are allowing to happen to their own lives. Look at America. Look at our government. Look at your neighbors or just take a walk in a mall somewhere or Wal-Mart. Good grief! People are being devoured by the devil. He's running and ruining their finances, their relationships, their thoughts, their actions, their marriages, their children.

But you know what? As children of the One True King, we have the power to stop it. We forget about this power too often. You know what the Bible says? It says, "Resist the devil and he will flee." Not, he might flee or he'll consider fleeing, or even he'll take a few steps back. No, HE WILL FLEE!! When we step up and demand his exit, he has no choice. He has to go! He has to run and retreat back to where he came from. Unfortunately, after a while, as we let our guard down, he will return and try again - sometimes the same tactic, sometimes a different one. But remember that power we have! Use that power!

Friends, it's time we take his D List and we shred it! Let's make our own:
-Desire for God
-Digging into His Word
-Dying to ourselves
-Delighting in Him
-Dressed with the full armor


Can you think of others? Let's combat his list with one longer! Share some items from a new D List that you can use to DEFEAT him!

We will overcome through the Overcomer! 

Image from www.reversingverses.com

Being the Breadwinner

Being the sole financial provider is tough. Knowing that it's your paycheck alone that pays the bills and keeps food on the table is stressful. Even in our society today that pushes feminism and gender equality, it is still unusual to find a woman being the provider for her household (except in single mom cases). Rarely still do you see an intact family unit with a strong marriage where the man stays home and the woman works. Yet, that is what our family looks like. Now let me be clear: this is not by choice. My husband is by no means a "dead-beat." He would work if his body were in the shape it needs to be to allow that. Unfortunately, arthritic pain keeps him from holding a paying job. I stress the term "paying" because let's face it: as a stay at home dad, he's got a full time job. 

With this strange "mix-up of roles" as some might call it, my sweet other half has struggled with not being a financial provider. I have tried to encourage him countless times that he provides in other very important and necessary ways - um, hello, you're raising our son and he's still alive when I get home. That's an accomplishment! He constantly shows me gratitude for being the one to work and "keep bread on the table." It is in this role that I find myself wondering...if roles were reversed...would I just take it for granted because "that's the way it should be" or would I appreciate him as much as I do now? I guess what I'm trying to get at is this: ladies that get to stay home or only have a part time job because your husband pays all the bills - APPRECIATE HIM! I have many friends that are stay at home moms...and God Bless you! There are days I'm not sure how even my husband does it. Yes, we are smack in the middle of that defiant, independent, ornery stage. But do you appreciate the simple fact that his paycheck pays the bills for you to have that opportunity? Just remember, it could be the opposite. 

And...with that said, I am completely and utterly grateful for the life God has blessed us with. Is it tough to live paycheck to paycheck? Sure. Do I sometimes wish he would experience healing so that he could get a job. Honestly, yes. But God has placed us in these roles for a reason and we have to be mindful not to whine about them or take each other for granted. He may not pay the bills but here's what he does do: takes care of our son each and every day, mows the lawn (even in pain), takes out the trash every week, cooks dinners, washes dishes, does his own laundry, and the list goes on. Sometimes I have to remind him of everything he does do - especially when he focuses too much on what he can't do. 

I also have to remind him...and myself...neither one of us are the true providers. God is. Always has been. Always will be. Not me, not hubby. HE is the PROVIDER. And He supplies all our needs. We may not have finished floors in our bedroom or Florida room, or a working AC unit right now, or a car that doesn't click and clack and squeal...but we have a roof over our heads, and a window unit that's kickin' out some pretty decent air, and the car runs and gets us from point A to point B...and we have each other. I remarked to him the other day that statistically, in relationships that don't put each other ahead of themselves, and don't have Christ as their center, we should have been done already. With all the marriages that end because of financial hardships, we should be finished. But, we're not. We're stronger than ever and with every trial and valley, we just get stronger. 

Being the breadwinner is tough. But realizing that God will always supply what we need and making sure we hold onto each other through whatever comes our way is vital to the peace we feel on a mostly daily basis. God blessed me with an amazing man and even though some may furrow their brow in confusion over why we can be so nonchalant about our situation, we know that God works all things together for good. No matter who the breadwinner is...

Hehe...thought this was cute. 

Image retrieved from www.brittanyherself.com

Daddy's Girl

I've been going through an internal struggle lately. Nothing I haven't experienced before, although I suppose if I'm really honest with myself, it is a bit different this time. Mostly because my feelings are different this time. This isn't an easy post to pen. It's not an easy topic for me, although I've been fairly open and transparent throughout my life about this topic. 

If you know me well at all, you know part of my story: I grew up without my father. And sadly, so goes the story of countless girls and boys all across the globe. So my story is not new. And this fact of my life, this sometimes tough to swallow fact of my life, is woven into every fiber of my being. It is part of me. And I suppose there were times in my life that I would have rather had a different story written for me. As a young girl, I would hear my little friends talk about how their dads did this or that and how their dads were their heroes and I would sit and wonder silently, "What's wrong with me? Why don't I deserve a dad like that?"

Oh, if I could go back in time and scoop lil ol' me up in my arms....the things I would say to her. I know the answers to these questions now. And even though I am a perfectly happy young woman with a beautiful family and a wonderful husband who is a fantastic father, as hard as I might try, it doesn't negate the pain and the hurt I felt as a young girl...and as a teenager...and at times, as a twenty-something. 

I'm going to be really brutally honest here...honest with you...honest with other important people in my life...honest with other individuals who may read this and wish to bury their heads in the sand. But most importantly, I'm being honest with me. 

I've been struggling with the idea of forgiveness. For years now I've thought that I had passed the forgiveness stage. But I also have held onto the one thing I remember vividly about forgiveness, the thing that became my mantra: Forgiveness does not equal trust. And that equated, for me, to: forgiveness does not equal letting said person back into your life. 

And I've been okay with that. But I had an honest talk with a good friend last week who has at times been my spiritual mother down here since unfortunately, the amazing woman who gave me life and raised me does not live here. She's the "tell it like it is, straight from the Bible, not gonna sugarcoat anything for you because I love you" type of person. She knows who she is. Did I like it? Absolutely not. But it's probably what I needed to hear in order to work through some of these feelings that apparently decide to rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune times. 

Each morning this week, I have turned off the radio in the car on the way to work and God and I have just talked. Sometimes in life, situations present themselves in which you really just have to wrestle it out with the Almighty. Well, we've been doin' some wrestlin'. I've been doing my best whiny, "But Goooood!" And He's been the ever so patient and loving Father whispering truth to my heart. When approaching the topic of forgiveness and trust, I threw that line in His face. "Forgiveness doesn't equal trust! Forgiveness doesn't mean I have to let him back in!" And a quiet voice whispered so softly I might have missed it if I wasn't listening at the time: "You're right, in many situations, that is true. A person might forgive her abuser but that doesn't mean she allows that person back into her life. But, My child, there are times where that is not always the case. Sometimes,  part of the forgiveness process requires you to allow that person back in and give them the chance to redeem themselves." Uck. NOT what I wanted to hear. 

You see, I've been perfectly content without that father-daughter relationship the last couple years. It's taken me a long time to get to this point and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to give that contentment up. But there has been this nagging feeling for a while that maybe I'm missing something. Well, now I've realized, ultimately, it's not about me. It's not even about him. Now, I have a little boy in the picture. Now, I have a third party that is completely innocent in this whole thing. Would I be absolutely fine without ever introducing the two? Admittedly, yes. But as my dear friend put it ever so bluntly the other day for me, "What will you tell him when he's older and asks why he doesn't know his grandfather?" Ouch. And to put it plainly, I don't want that on me. This is a tough realization to come to. 

As I semi-cried into her shoulder while holding my precious toddler who was asking, "Mommy, what wrong?" I simply told her, "I've been down this road before. I know how it ends. More disappointment and more hurt. And I don't want my boy in the middle of it. He doesn't deserve that." I can't really tell you all that she said because I honestly don't remember it all but I know it was honest and it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I know I asked her why I even told her about this and she told me because what I really wanted was the truth and I knew she'd give it to me. Touche'. 

The question I've been pondering over and over is this: is it right for me to withhold my son from having a relationship with his grandfather simply because I'm not sure I want one with him? And my answer? Well, I'll let you know when I've finished wrestling it out with my Heavenly Daddy. 

You see, father or no father, I've always been a "Daddy's Girl." My Daddy just happens to have created the universe and breathed life into every living thing. My Daddy is constant. Unchanging. Always there. And even though His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts, I know that He always has my best interests in mind. He will always steer me in the right direction and if I listen closely enough, He will always tell me the right answer.

If this post sounds a bit rambly (yes I just made up a word), I apologize. There are certain things that I just have to write and pray through. Writing helps me sort out my feelings and at times understand myself better. Even as I sit here ready to end this post, I'm contemplating deleting the whole thing. I keep asking myself what I'm thinking by posting something so raw and honest. But sometimes that is what is needed for change or accountability. Please just do me a favor: pray for me? Pray that as I work through this struggle, that I would receive clarity and peace for whatever decision is made. I truly just want to follow Daddy's footsteps and listen to His voice alone. 

Martha, Martha, Martha

In my "She Reads Truth" devotional about the women in the Bible one morning, I read about Martha. You know the one...the one that is busy serving while Mary sits quietly at Jesus' feet, enthralled in the very person that He is. My devo noted that Martha really gets a bad rap here. And I have to agree. I mean we all need people who actually DO things, people who get things done. Martha was one of those people. She got things done. That's a noble characteristic right? I tend to appreciate that characteristic in Martha. Her motives were not wrong. She wanted to serve her Messiah right?

The problem with Martha wasn't that she was serving...it was that she was serving INSTEAD of spending time with her reason for serving. She wasn't taking the time she needed to spend with Christ. That's me. That's you. That is so many of us. We get so wrapped up in the serving and the doing and the going here and there that we miss the opportunity to just sit down with Jesus and...BE. The time to serve and do and go will come...it will be there. But how often do we take the time to just be with our Savior? How often do we take the time to sit at His feet and offer up praises? How often do we take the time to just be silent and listen? 

Sadly, I know the answer for me. Mary got it. She understood. She understood the importance of just being with Jesus instead of rushing about trying to get things done. She wasn't sitting back and letting Martha do all the work. She wasn't being lazy, as I'm sure I would have assumed had I been Martha back then. She was enjoying some quality time with her Savior...something we should all make time to do each day. And Jesus? He wanted to spend that time with Martha too. 

Sometimes, in this Martha world where it's all about planning and going and doing, I think Jesus just simply wants to take the proverbial calendar or broom or cookbook or laundry basket or car keys from our hands and just sit down with us. We need to learn to rest in Him. 

One of my favorite worship songs is "The More I Seek You." It comes to mind as I think about trying to be more like Mary in this ever growing Martha world. Part of the song reads, "I want to sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hands, lay back against You and breathe, feel Your heart beat. This love is so deep. It's more than I can stand. I melt in Your peace. It's overwhelming."

That's what I want. I want to learn to take a break once in a while and lay back against the Savior of the world and take in all that He is. That is my prayer...that I would learn to rest in Him.

Image obtained from GoogleImages

This & That

It has been too long. A month perhaps? That's what it feels like. Once school got started, or perhaps even before that, things got crazy. I feel like I've been all over the place. I have topics I desperately want to write about but I am struggling to find the time to do so without compromising time with my son or husband. But I figured since they are both asleep right now, I'll go ahead and write about a smattering of things. My brain is jammed full of stuff and I feel the need to purge myself of all the commotion going on inside that tangled web of neurons and synapses that keep me up some nights. 

Allow me to be organized on this post and give you the headings for the topics I am writing about. This is me, trying to be organized, in most areas of my life. And yes, I still have a ton of areas that need work.

SCHOOL
Let me just start with this: last week was, hands down, the best first week of school I have ever had as a teacher. There. Now, I realize that even now, it is only the second week of school and we are still in the beginning of school honeymoon phase but I am loving this year already. 

Our group this year is phenomenal. I love them. The kids seem genuinely excited to be there. I am trying desperately to keep myself ultra organized this year and so far, it seems to be working. I feel like I have a specific place for just about everything. Remember my binders from this post? Well, they are getting filled with all the necessary items. I'm making sure that whatever handouts or activity sheets get passed out during the day get placed behind the week's lesson plan as well. That way I have a running culmination of master copies. Keeping track of master copies finally! Go me! 

I'm doing several things new this year. I've added an "I Can..." board to put up the kid friendly Common Core standards in easy to read goals for the students. I'm trying out the CAFE board this year too. I also have a data board I plan to use for visual data for the students. My jobs are posted on my back door with easy to move popsicle sticks. My front door has colorful pockets for exit slips. My huge bulletin board in the back is reserved for my students' work. I completely rearranged things this year and so far, it is working like a charm. One HUGE change I've made is allowing the kids to go almost anywhere in the classroom to read, work on writing, or any other type of independent work. So far, they are loving that freedom and I actually think it's helping me manage them better. I'm staying on top of my grading and lesson plans and overall, I just feel wonderful about this school year. (Pictures to come of the room)

BLOG
You may remember many many months ago when I claimed that changes would be coming to my blog. I had found a design I liked and was going to pay for it. Well, other things came up and I just never got the chance to do it but over the summer I stumbled across a young lady (15 or 16 years young) who does custom designs. I was so impressed with her portfolio and the price she was offering that I immediately contacted her. Well, folks, it shouldn't be long before you really do see some changes. She has sent me the proof and I love it! I'm thinking that by the end of next week or shortly thereafter, I should have a new design, custom made for me. I cannot tell you how excited I am!!

THE NEW VENTURE
Allow me to preface this section by saying that I have had a ton of energy whilst going back to work. Generally, at the end of the day I have a ton of things to accomplish and zero motivation to do any of it because I'm exhausted and want to go home. But a good friend of mine introduced my husband and me to a product called ZEAL. We sampled it for a few days and the difference was incredible. With no coffee (and y'all know I love my coffee), I had more energy than ever and it was lasting ALL day. There was no afternoon crash. Not only that but I have been more alert and have had increased mental clarity. It doesn't feel foggy up there. We were so impressed by this that after praying about it, my husband and I decided to join the team and become distributors. We truly believe in this product. It was a big step and one that has taken a leap of faith but I believe that this new business venture could be what we need to not only get our bodies to the desired healthy state but also to help us out financially. We're also part of an amazing and Godly team. As a matter of fact, the #1 core value of the company is to glorify God. I pray that we do just that. Ultimately, my first goal is to get to the place where we can bless someone just like our team members blessed us in order to do this. This is a company where you are truly not alone. I could go on and on about all the wonderful things about Zurvita (the company that makes the Zeal) and about Zeal itself but our website has all the information you could possibly want, so check it out. Zeal Wellness is diabetic friendly, gluten free, and contains all the vitamins and minerals your body needs in one all natural whole food based powdered formula. Check us out on our ZEAL page.

JESUS
I really don't know what else to title this section because, well, it's really all about Him and thanks to Him. I can do none of this without Him. I have made it a point to get up every morning and have my quiet time with the Lord. I've been going through a fantastic devotional on YouVersion called "She Reads Truth" and it has me studying different women from the bible and the roles they played. It's been incredible. I've also been part of a ladies bible study each Monday night that I LOVE because I love those God-fearing, bible-reading, prayer warrior women. The study itself has some pretty hard hitting, in your face topics that daily step on my toes. I'll write more about that later. I have about a 20-25 minute commute to work and I try to spend at least the first 5 or 10 in prayer. I think doing this each morning is also part of why I'm having such a good start to the year. Because - - - it's just Jesus. 

So, I hope I didn't bombard you with too much information but now that it's written, I feel much better. Writing, no matter the topic, is so cathartic for me. And with that, I bid you...good night.