Daddy's Girl

I've been going through an internal struggle lately. Nothing I haven't experienced before, although I suppose if I'm really honest with myself, it is a bit different this time. Mostly because my feelings are different this time. This isn't an easy post to pen. It's not an easy topic for me, although I've been fairly open and transparent throughout my life about this topic. 

If you know me well at all, you know part of my story: I grew up without my father. And sadly, so goes the story of countless girls and boys all across the globe. So my story is not new. And this fact of my life, this sometimes tough to swallow fact of my life, is woven into every fiber of my being. It is part of me. And I suppose there were times in my life that I would have rather had a different story written for me. As a young girl, I would hear my little friends talk about how their dads did this or that and how their dads were their heroes and I would sit and wonder silently, "What's wrong with me? Why don't I deserve a dad like that?"

Oh, if I could go back in time and scoop lil ol' me up in my arms....the things I would say to her. I know the answers to these questions now. And even though I am a perfectly happy young woman with a beautiful family and a wonderful husband who is a fantastic father, as hard as I might try, it doesn't negate the pain and the hurt I felt as a young girl...and as a teenager...and at times, as a twenty-something. 

I'm going to be really brutally honest here...honest with you...honest with other important people in my life...honest with other individuals who may read this and wish to bury their heads in the sand. But most importantly, I'm being honest with me. 

I've been struggling with the idea of forgiveness. For years now I've thought that I had passed the forgiveness stage. But I also have held onto the one thing I remember vividly about forgiveness, the thing that became my mantra: Forgiveness does not equal trust. And that equated, for me, to: forgiveness does not equal letting said person back into your life. 

And I've been okay with that. But I had an honest talk with a good friend last week who has at times been my spiritual mother down here since unfortunately, the amazing woman who gave me life and raised me does not live here. She's the "tell it like it is, straight from the Bible, not gonna sugarcoat anything for you because I love you" type of person. She knows who she is. Did I like it? Absolutely not. But it's probably what I needed to hear in order to work through some of these feelings that apparently decide to rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune times. 

Each morning this week, I have turned off the radio in the car on the way to work and God and I have just talked. Sometimes in life, situations present themselves in which you really just have to wrestle it out with the Almighty. Well, we've been doin' some wrestlin'. I've been doing my best whiny, "But Goooood!" And He's been the ever so patient and loving Father whispering truth to my heart. When approaching the topic of forgiveness and trust, I threw that line in His face. "Forgiveness doesn't equal trust! Forgiveness doesn't mean I have to let him back in!" And a quiet voice whispered so softly I might have missed it if I wasn't listening at the time: "You're right, in many situations, that is true. A person might forgive her abuser but that doesn't mean she allows that person back into her life. But, My child, there are times where that is not always the case. Sometimes,  part of the forgiveness process requires you to allow that person back in and give them the chance to redeem themselves." Uck. NOT what I wanted to hear. 

You see, I've been perfectly content without that father-daughter relationship the last couple years. It's taken me a long time to get to this point and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to give that contentment up. But there has been this nagging feeling for a while that maybe I'm missing something. Well, now I've realized, ultimately, it's not about me. It's not even about him. Now, I have a little boy in the picture. Now, I have a third party that is completely innocent in this whole thing. Would I be absolutely fine without ever introducing the two? Admittedly, yes. But as my dear friend put it ever so bluntly the other day for me, "What will you tell him when he's older and asks why he doesn't know his grandfather?" Ouch. And to put it plainly, I don't want that on me. This is a tough realization to come to. 

As I semi-cried into her shoulder while holding my precious toddler who was asking, "Mommy, what wrong?" I simply told her, "I've been down this road before. I know how it ends. More disappointment and more hurt. And I don't want my boy in the middle of it. He doesn't deserve that." I can't really tell you all that she said because I honestly don't remember it all but I know it was honest and it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I know I asked her why I even told her about this and she told me because what I really wanted was the truth and I knew she'd give it to me. Touche'. 

The question I've been pondering over and over is this: is it right for me to withhold my son from having a relationship with his grandfather simply because I'm not sure I want one with him? And my answer? Well, I'll let you know when I've finished wrestling it out with my Heavenly Daddy. 

You see, father or no father, I've always been a "Daddy's Girl." My Daddy just happens to have created the universe and breathed life into every living thing. My Daddy is constant. Unchanging. Always there. And even though His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts, I know that He always has my best interests in mind. He will always steer me in the right direction and if I listen closely enough, He will always tell me the right answer.

If this post sounds a bit rambly (yes I just made up a word), I apologize. There are certain things that I just have to write and pray through. Writing helps me sort out my feelings and at times understand myself better. Even as I sit here ready to end this post, I'm contemplating deleting the whole thing. I keep asking myself what I'm thinking by posting something so raw and honest. But sometimes that is what is needed for change or accountability. Please just do me a favor: pray for me? Pray that as I work through this struggle, that I would receive clarity and peace for whatever decision is made. I truly just want to follow Daddy's footsteps and listen to His voice alone. 

Martha, Martha, Martha

In my "She Reads Truth" devotional about the women in the Bible one morning, I read about Martha. You know the one...the one that is busy serving while Mary sits quietly at Jesus' feet, enthralled in the very person that He is. My devo noted that Martha really gets a bad rap here. And I have to agree. I mean we all need people who actually DO things, people who get things done. Martha was one of those people. She got things done. That's a noble characteristic right? I tend to appreciate that characteristic in Martha. Her motives were not wrong. She wanted to serve her Messiah right?

The problem with Martha wasn't that she was serving...it was that she was serving INSTEAD of spending time with her reason for serving. She wasn't taking the time she needed to spend with Christ. That's me. That's you. That is so many of us. We get so wrapped up in the serving and the doing and the going here and there that we miss the opportunity to just sit down with Jesus and...BE. The time to serve and do and go will come...it will be there. But how often do we take the time to just be with our Savior? How often do we take the time to sit at His feet and offer up praises? How often do we take the time to just be silent and listen? 

Sadly, I know the answer for me. Mary got it. She understood. She understood the importance of just being with Jesus instead of rushing about trying to get things done. She wasn't sitting back and letting Martha do all the work. She wasn't being lazy, as I'm sure I would have assumed had I been Martha back then. She was enjoying some quality time with her Savior...something we should all make time to do each day. And Jesus? He wanted to spend that time with Martha too. 

Sometimes, in this Martha world where it's all about planning and going and doing, I think Jesus just simply wants to take the proverbial calendar or broom or cookbook or laundry basket or car keys from our hands and just sit down with us. We need to learn to rest in Him. 

One of my favorite worship songs is "The More I Seek You." It comes to mind as I think about trying to be more like Mary in this ever growing Martha world. Part of the song reads, "I want to sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hands, lay back against You and breathe, feel Your heart beat. This love is so deep. It's more than I can stand. I melt in Your peace. It's overwhelming."

That's what I want. I want to learn to take a break once in a while and lay back against the Savior of the world and take in all that He is. That is my prayer...that I would learn to rest in Him.

Image obtained from GoogleImages

This & That

It has been too long. A month perhaps? That's what it feels like. Once school got started, or perhaps even before that, things got crazy. I feel like I've been all over the place. I have topics I desperately want to write about but I am struggling to find the time to do so without compromising time with my son or husband. But I figured since they are both asleep right now, I'll go ahead and write about a smattering of things. My brain is jammed full of stuff and I feel the need to purge myself of all the commotion going on inside that tangled web of neurons and synapses that keep me up some nights. 

Allow me to be organized on this post and give you the headings for the topics I am writing about. This is me, trying to be organized, in most areas of my life. And yes, I still have a ton of areas that need work.

SCHOOL
Let me just start with this: last week was, hands down, the best first week of school I have ever had as a teacher. There. Now, I realize that even now, it is only the second week of school and we are still in the beginning of school honeymoon phase but I am loving this year already. 

Our group this year is phenomenal. I love them. The kids seem genuinely excited to be there. I am trying desperately to keep myself ultra organized this year and so far, it seems to be working. I feel like I have a specific place for just about everything. Remember my binders from this post? Well, they are getting filled with all the necessary items. I'm making sure that whatever handouts or activity sheets get passed out during the day get placed behind the week's lesson plan as well. That way I have a running culmination of master copies. Keeping track of master copies finally! Go me! 

I'm doing several things new this year. I've added an "I Can..." board to put up the kid friendly Common Core standards in easy to read goals for the students. I'm trying out the CAFE board this year too. I also have a data board I plan to use for visual data for the students. My jobs are posted on my back door with easy to move popsicle sticks. My front door has colorful pockets for exit slips. My huge bulletin board in the back is reserved for my students' work. I completely rearranged things this year and so far, it is working like a charm. One HUGE change I've made is allowing the kids to go almost anywhere in the classroom to read, work on writing, or any other type of independent work. So far, they are loving that freedom and I actually think it's helping me manage them better. I'm staying on top of my grading and lesson plans and overall, I just feel wonderful about this school year. (Pictures to come of the room)

BLOG
You may remember many many months ago when I claimed that changes would be coming to my blog. I had found a design I liked and was going to pay for it. Well, other things came up and I just never got the chance to do it but over the summer I stumbled across a young lady (15 or 16 years young) who does custom designs. I was so impressed with her portfolio and the price she was offering that I immediately contacted her. Well, folks, it shouldn't be long before you really do see some changes. She has sent me the proof and I love it! I'm thinking that by the end of next week or shortly thereafter, I should have a new design, custom made for me. I cannot tell you how excited I am!!

THE NEW VENTURE
Allow me to preface this section by saying that I have had a ton of energy whilst going back to work. Generally, at the end of the day I have a ton of things to accomplish and zero motivation to do any of it because I'm exhausted and want to go home. But a good friend of mine introduced my husband and me to a product called ZEAL. We sampled it for a few days and the difference was incredible. With no coffee (and y'all know I love my coffee), I had more energy than ever and it was lasting ALL day. There was no afternoon crash. Not only that but I have been more alert and have had increased mental clarity. It doesn't feel foggy up there. We were so impressed by this that after praying about it, my husband and I decided to join the team and become distributors. We truly believe in this product. It was a big step and one that has taken a leap of faith but I believe that this new business venture could be what we need to not only get our bodies to the desired healthy state but also to help us out financially. We're also part of an amazing and Godly team. As a matter of fact, the #1 core value of the company is to glorify God. I pray that we do just that. Ultimately, my first goal is to get to the place where we can bless someone just like our team members blessed us in order to do this. This is a company where you are truly not alone. I could go on and on about all the wonderful things about Zurvita (the company that makes the Zeal) and about Zeal itself but our website has all the information you could possibly want, so check it out. Zeal Wellness is diabetic friendly, gluten free, and contains all the vitamins and minerals your body needs in one all natural whole food based powdered formula. Check us out on our ZEAL page.

JESUS
I really don't know what else to title this section because, well, it's really all about Him and thanks to Him. I can do none of this without Him. I have made it a point to get up every morning and have my quiet time with the Lord. I've been going through a fantastic devotional on YouVersion called "She Reads Truth" and it has me studying different women from the bible and the roles they played. It's been incredible. I've also been part of a ladies bible study each Monday night that I LOVE because I love those God-fearing, bible-reading, prayer warrior women. The study itself has some pretty hard hitting, in your face topics that daily step on my toes. I'll write more about that later. I have about a 20-25 minute commute to work and I try to spend at least the first 5 or 10 in prayer. I think doing this each morning is also part of why I'm having such a good start to the year. Because - - - it's just Jesus. 

So, I hope I didn't bombard you with too much information but now that it's written, I feel much better. Writing, no matter the topic, is so cathartic for me. And with that, I bid you...good night. 

Dig Deep & Spread Out

A week or so ago I heard Mark Hall from Casting Crowns talking to the DJ of my favorite radio station about their new album that's in the final stages right now. He was discussing the theme of the album which is a two-fold theme. He said half the album is simply about going deeper with God and really discovering Who He is and the other half is about reaching out to others with God's love. He made some really poignant points that have stuck with me and I knew I had to write about it. 

He used the metaphor of roots to explain this concept. There are essentially 3 types of Christians. There's the type that have really deep roots. They are in the Word, they have a pretty strong prayer life. They study and meditate and really soak up everything they can about God and His character. They dig their roots down deep and have a very strong faith but while their roots are deep, they don't quite spread out very far. Then there's the type that have roots that may not be as deep but they spread out. They may not be full on students of the Word. They might not have the intimate quiet time and meditation moments as the previous type, but they can sure reach out. They love God and they express that love wherever they go. They tell others about His love and they give generously. Their roots are widespread; they just don't go down too deep. 

The last type of Christian is the type that we should all strive to be. This type has deep roots that also spread out. They dig deep into Who God is but they also spread that knowledge and love of God around. We need to have deep roots so that we understand Who & what we believe. We need those deep roots to anchor us and feed us. But we also need our roots to spread out.When we spread out, we can reach new soil. We can reach others for Christ. 

I'm thankful that my church home helps to do both. They want us to dig deep into the Word of God and really get to know Him but they also truly desire to see us spread that knowledge and love to those whose roots are still stuck in the world. When I first heard Mark Hall discussing this concept, I felt like I was the 2nd type. My roots were pretty widespread but unfortunately, I didn't go as deep as I needed to or even desired to. Well, this morning in church we took a survey on our personal walks with Christ and I realized that sadly my roots don't go as deep as they need to nor do they spread out very far either. This saddens me...and it should. But, it's not enough to just sadden me. I must do something about it. 

I'm hungry for that intimacy with Christ. I've tasted it before and it is so sweet. Life just gets in the way. Sounds like a pretty lame excuse and when I think about it, it sounds even more pitiful. But, it's the truth. The enemy throws every possible distraction our way to keep us from digging deep and spreading out. Well, I'm not letting him win anymore. I will spend time with God each day digging into His Word, meditating on it, and listening for His still small voice. And I will pray for opportunity to spread that love to others who need it. Just as His love for us is deep and wide, so shall our hunger and thirst and love for Him be. Will you join me? Will you dig deep and spread out? Let's hold each other accountable. 

Image retrieved from http://generationsdiscipleship.com/director/growing-deep-to-go-wide/

To the Ends of the Earth

I have contemplated writing this post for a few weeks now. At first, I felt like I shouldn't because the last thing I want to do is offend anyone. But, with our college & career pastor's message yesterday on evangelism in which he pulled from the Great Commission passage, I felt God tug at my heart and tell me to write it. Sometimes, friends, it's good to be offended. Healthy, even. Hopefully if a message offends you, it also gives you an opportunity to check yourself and ask yourself why exactly you are offended. Is it because the person's message is vulgar or rude? Or could it be that perhaps your own beliefs have somehow been warped in some way. Believe me when I say that I have been offended on numerous occasions. Sometimes it is because the other party has no filter and/or is simply rude and their end goal is actually to offend. But more often than not, it is because the opinions/message/actions of the other person struck a cord with me and caused me to reassess my own thoughts, opinions, or actions. That's my goal here. Bear with me.

Besides loving the Lord and loving others, what would you say was Christ's most important commandment? You may disagree but I believe it can be found in Matthew 28:19. "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit" (emphasis mine). This is The Great Commission. I discovered recently that there are "Christians" who are actually against foreign missions. This is mind boggling to me. How can you read that verse above, claim to be a Christ follower, and then turn around and say you are against foreign missions? The very life of that verse is tied to what we would consider foreign missions. The disciples themselves & the apostle Paul were foreign missionaries. I studied a bit last night to remind myself of the places Paul traveled to: Antioch, Syria, Macedonia, Thessalonica, Athens, Corinth, Ephesus, Rome. If it were not for the foreign ministry of Paul, especially the ministry to the Gentiles, I would not be here today. I would not be writing this to you. What if the disciples had stayed put, only preaching in their hometown? What would have happened? So I ask again, how can a Christian be against the very thing that became the catalyst for them to even be saved?

I've heard the argument: there is so much to do here. That is true. There is a lot to be done in America. People are lost in America. You are absolutely right. But then, if that is in fact your position on the matter, I must ask, what are you doing here? What are you doing to change the lives of others or show Christ's love to others? What does your missionary journey look like here in America, in your state, city, or on your very street? If you are working feverishly to further the Kingdom in your current locale, then keep on keeping on.

Personally, I find it difficult to understand how a Christian can be against Kingdom work ANYWHERE. If people are being saved, if the angels themselves are rejoicing over the lost souls coming to Christ, then how can we be any different? Are we that self-minded here in America that we are against our brothers and sisters bringing the Gospel to "all nations?" Now, let me be clear. I do not think that God calls each individual to cross the "great pond" to another country (I certainly do not have that calling). Clearly He has given us each our varying mission fields: for some it's their own homes or families, for some their work place, for others it's their neighborhood or town; but for many others it's Africa or Mexico or Russia or China or somewhere else overseas. And if we don't support that, if we say we're against foreign missions, then let me be frank: we are against Christ. Plain and simple. There is no watered-down version to make that pill easier to swallow. Again I say, if you are against mission work simply because it's not in your own country, you are against Christ and His work period. Being against foreign missions is being against lives being saved and brought into the Kingdom. Being against foreign missions is, in effect, saying that God doesn't call Americans overseas...and who are we to say what He calls anyone to, as long as it's biblical? This whole mindset simply does not coincide with biblical faith or with a loving God who sent His Son to die for ALL.

Again, my goal is not to offend for the sake of offending. It is not to say, "I'm right, you're wrong." It is simply to get you to think about your opinions and beliefs in a different light. In His light. In the Light of the One that saved you and saved me from the very brink of death, the One that paid the price for our sins, the sins of you, me, and all the other lost souls around the world. Just...think about it.

I leave you with this:
"But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jersualem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth" (emphasis mine). Acts 1:8
You might not be traveling to the ends of the earth, but we all should be praying for and supporting those that do.

Image retrieved from: http://www.aloconline.com/outreach/

What I Know Now...

The saying goes, "Ignorance is bliss."

Sometimes, I think that's really the truth.

In our quest to live healthier lives, my husband and I have also periodically watched documentaries on Netflix. I think I've mentioned before that I have become a documentary junkie. I've watched them about the state of maternal care in America & bullying, hubby has watched them about military, and we've both watched several "foodie" documentaries. The first one we watched last year sparked my interest in turning completely vegan, which I found to be nearly impossible. I'm a cheese girl...and vegan cheese is so NOT even close to the same thing. So, I've settled on vegetarian (okay, flexitarian, you caught me). I don't have any meat in the house and the only time I do eat it is really is at my mother-in-law's, and usually just chicken and fish. I've slipped a lot this summer but I've jumped back on my wagon full of veggies and I'm sailin' along.

Anyway, the latest documentary we watched was called "Farmageddon." Oh. My. Gosh. It has me wanting to support local farmers like never before but also has us ready to start our own garden. The section we're using is ready to go. We just need the seeds now...and we want organic. I'm researching for the best and most economical place to buy organic seeds from. We also watched another documentary (not sure of the title) that took a hard hitting look at our current food system. What a disgrace! People, get informed about the food you buy! If people went back to the basics of good, fresh food like they ate a century ago, we wouldn't need health reform in this nation because that would be the reform. We have all this food at our fingertips and yet, people are still starving and are still undernourished. We eat more but have less nutrition. Half of things we buy in the store are empty, wasted, good for nothing calories.

It's a bit scary to think about. Now that we are informed, it's a matter of what do we do next? The garden is definitely at the top of the list. But we really want to move into purely organic food. And there's a price to pay for that. In retrospect though, it's cheaper than a heart attack or cancer. We've talked about moving toward almost full sustainability where we learn to make...everything. Our own pastas, breads, peanut butter, almond milk, etc. If we buy the basics but make our own...perhaps that will save us money in the long run. It may be more work but at least we would have the peace of mind knowing what's really going into our foods. It's something we're talking about. Any homesteading folks out there have any tips for some newbies?

Last night we also started watching the docu, "Tapped" about the bottled water industry. Um, pretty much never buying another plastic bottle of water...ever. Our society is so blind. So were we for some time. We're informed now though. And while our ignorance may have been bliss for a while...we're glad to know what we know now. We can start the journey to making changes that will further benefit our health but even the health of the environment.

(Images obtained from google images)

Fishing & Fireflies: Summers on New Center

When you're a child, you tend to take a lot for granted. You don't necessarily see the intrinsic value of certain circumstances or situations or simple things for that matter. Frankly, some adults never grow out of that stage. But, now that I'm a grown woman and a wife with a child of my own, I recognize the invaluable moments that shaped my life. Many of those moments were made on my grandfather's property in northern Alabama. That plot of land on New Center Road holds more memories for me than I can even dare to count. Growing up, I didn't realize how significant that place was to me. As I get older and the times that I am now able to make it up there, I see just how important that place has been and always will be to me.

Not many children can say they spent their summers on acres of rolling hills with a pond to fish in, woods to hike and imagine through, and more family than perhaps one would want at times. Summers there now look quite different than they did 10 or 15 years ago when Great-Grandma was still living and the croquet game was still set up in the open field. My grandfather had taken the blades off of an old lawnmower that I used to drive around (redneck golf cart style). I'd drive around the pond or down the driveway to Great-Grandma's or across the field to Great Uncle Horace's. I can remember fondly vividly the time I ran over my own foot with the darn thing. Don't ask me how.

At least one week out of our usually 2 or occasionally 3 week stay was spent with Katie and Jenny, girls from Illinois that were just like family. Traditions were big and of utmost importance to us. The week with the girls was perhaps one of my favorite parts of summers on New Center. We always went putt-putt golf and then went to the 50's McDonald's for Coke floats until they stopped serving them one year. On the way to just about anywhere, we would tell the most off the wall and corny jokes you can think of. "What did the toaster say to the ocean? Where's the butter!?" Dumb? Yes. Did we laugh? Hysterically! We played countless games of croquet and spent hours on the dock by the pond or doing gymnastics and making whirlpools in the pool. I won't delve into the hilarious entertainment I provided each summer but lets just say Grandmother Preach rests in peace. We'd head outside every evening and run around catching the fireflies. Inevitably, whether there for 4th of July or not, we'd have a "wiener roast" over a bonfire by the pond underneath the pine trees that have since been cut down. S'mores and hot dogs and lots of laughter were always on the menu. 

I spent a lot of time this past week thinking back and reminiscing about the "good ol' days." It's an absolute blessing that my son gets to experience some of the same joy that I did, albeit a bit differently. My grandmother still cooks a mean pot of chicken-n-dumplins and my Grandpa is still one of the greatest men I know and I enjoy watching my husband just sit and talk with him. For the first time in years, I went out in the boat with Grandpa. He and I used to go fishing every year. It had been too long. God answered a somewhat selfish prayer of mine after his motor went out and we thought we wouldn't get to go. It ended up being a simple fix and a mere fraction of what they thought it might cost so Wednesday we were out on the river. I can't explain how refreshing it felt to have the wind against my face as he gunned it toward the selected brush pile. I didn't catch anything of course, but that's beside the point. Just being there with my husband and Grandpa was enough for me. I caught a few in the pond to make up for it. 

Though there wasn't a croquet game to be played or a modified lawn mower to ride or a bonfire to gather around, it was a nice trip. Gabe was introduced to fishing for the first time and we even spent a few minutes one evening trying to catch fireflies.

It's the true south up there. It's sad that living in Florida, you actually do have to travel north to get to the south. The talk is slower, the tea is sweeter, front porches are bigger, and it's like home to me. I am a southern girl at heart. Born and raised in the city...but my heart I swear comes from the south. I love it up there. And no matter what future summers may hold, my summers on New Center will always have their own special section of my heart.

The ol' dock...I love this property!

The old tractor and camper next to the old tool shed.

The men going fishing.