What Have I Done?

I've been reflecting back over this past year for the last couple of weeks. I read over my New Year's Eve post from last year....and I've come to a realization.

I. Have. Done. Nothing. With. This. Year.

Yup, there it is. The horrifying and startling realization.

I made a list of goals for 2012 on that last day in 2011 and I have not accomplished one of them.

Here was the list.

New Year's Goals 2012
1. Read through the Bible completely. Didn't happen. No excuses.
2. Spend quiet time with God daily. Off and on. No excuses.
3. Read at least one book a month. Started out really well for the first 5 or 6 months and then fizzled. No excuses.
4. Get some form of exercise daily.That one's easy...I'm lazy.
5. Eat healthier, count calories, and treat my body like the temple of God. Okay, I'm getting depressed.
6. Keep my house clean and get organized. I do...and then it forms into its messy disarray again.
7. Get out of credit card debt and save money. We're actually working on this. I hope by this time next year I can say we have accomplished this.
8. Set aside at least one night a month to do something special with my husband (babysitter required). Well, we should really work on this.
9. Take more pictures - of Gabriel and us and everyone. Hey!!! I did take more pics and video of Gabriel. We still need a nice family picture that doesn't cost a lot though. Any takers?
10. Be more positive. Smile more. Don't take life so seriously. Find the good in every person that drives me crazy. Pray. Give. Be kind. Laugh. Be who I was and am created to be. I think I am actually closer to the type of person I want to be but I still have a looooooong way to go.

So other than royally screwing up on my 2012 goals, I have asked myself, What have I done with this year?

The answer?

Really not much. I don't feel like I've made much of a difference at all....in my life or anyone else's.
The simple truth is that I have got to do better. I have to be a better Christ follower, wife, mother, daughter, friend, teacher....person.

So for the first time in...well, ever....I am not going to make New Year's "Resolutions." I am simply going to decide to strengthen my relationship with Christ and with people and follow the steps needed to make that happen. I certainly have things that I really want to accomplish this coming year and beyond and may write out that "bucket list" of sorts at a later date but for now, suffice it to say that I just want to do and be what God wants....whatever that looks like.


I can't say the year was a total bust though. I did start a new job that I love. I did enjoy time with family. I have been challenged spiritually more at Fuel than anywhere else. I did have a blast watching my boy learn and grow and make me laugh. I did learn a lot about myself and have tried to rectify certain situations.

This year brought new challenges that we faced head on and hopefully with some grace. My faith has certainly been strengthened and I can say that I trust God for His provision more now than I ever did before. He has remained faithful even when I was faithless.

So while I feel like I haven't done much this year, God has been doing A LOT! I am promising that 2013 will be different. I don't know what that will look like but it will be different. So this time next year, I can look back and answer my "What have I done" question with pride.

Here's to 2012...you came and went too quickly.
Here's to 2013...we're going to make it a memorable one.

Christmas Doesn't Come From a Store...

I've had a lot of time to think about things this Christmas season. Once again, hubby and I are low on funds and cannot afford a big Christmas. We put three gifts on layaway for Gabriel and were able to pay for those but we do not have the funds to buy for each other or for other members of our family. He has been able to make a few things for some for Christmas which is really nice but we just don't have a lot to buy for people.

And you know what? For the first year since we've been unable to buy for others (it's been several years now), it doesn't bother me. The statement from above about not being to "afford a big Christmas" is a false statement because Christmas is not something you "afford." Christmas cannot be bought. Christmas is a season for family, for giving thanks for what we already have, and for remembering how a baby boy came to save us all.

I don't mind not being able to buy a lot of stuff, even for Gabriel (besides, he's well taken care of by his Tay Tay I'm quite sure). He will learn at a young age that Christmas is not about the gifts under the tree. I want him to grasp the real meaning of Christmas. I want him to get into the giving spirit. When he gets something new, I want him to give another toy away to a child who may not have anything. I want us, as a family, to find ways to bless others instead of worrying about how we are going to afford stuff. That's all it is anyway...stuff. I've had a hard time this year telling people what I "want" for Christmas because in my mind, I'm thinking what do I need? And honestly, I don't need anything. I have everything I need. I have a roof over my head and we can easily make the payments. I have a car I can drive to work and am able to put gas in. I have food in the refrigerator. I have clothes on my back and many in my closet and while I haven't been able to buy new clothes in a very long time, I don't really need any. I have a beautiful family. I have a lot more than the majority of the people in the world. I am blessed beyond measure.

Honestly, I could not ask for more. God has given me more than enough. Simply having the love of my Savior, a very good man, and a precious boy is enough for me.

What hit me first was how many moms and dads are spending Christmas overseas fighting for our country. Their kids would gladly give up any gift just to spend Christmas with them. And now with the tragedy in CT, how many mommies and daddies and sisters and brothers are wishing they could just have their son or daughter or brother or sister back instead of anything under the tree.

So the Grinch had it right when he said that Christmas doesn't come from a store. We'll have a wonderful Christmas just being together.

My earnest prayer this season is not only that we would remember the true reason we celebrate but also that the families effected by the tragedy will feel peace from above as they endure this season with missing pieces from their hearts.

Where is God?

Originally, this post was going to be on the topic of gun control as I was frustrated Friday evening by all the posts on how the tragedy Friday morning was an issue of gun control. But, people will always have their opinions (which they are fully entitled to) and I don't feel like stirring up more controversy. Now is not the time to be controverial...not when 20 families are mourning and grieving the loss of their babies and 6 more the loss of wives, sisters, friends, daughters. So all I will say on the matter is that the real issue Friday was a HEART ISSUE. It was a matter of the heart. And inside the heart of the "human being" (I use that term loosely here) that took those lives Friday was pure evil. Plain. And. Simple.

So instead I will post about the matter of where is God in all of this? Our Pastor spoke a bit on this at church this morning but even before he uttered a word of his very powerful message, during praise and worship, the thought came to me that we often forget God knows what it feels like to lose a child. He watched His only Son die. We forget, yes, even Christians, that He knows and understands the pain and agony that can only be felt by those who have endured the death of a child. Not only did He watch His son die, He watched Him take on the sin of the WORLD. Yes, Christ rose again, and because of that, we have hope - even in death.

Our Pastor spoke some on the fact that God created Adam with the ability to choose. He creates all of us with the ability to choose. He doesn't FORCE us to love Him. As our Pastor said, that would not be true love and God desires true love. With that choice comes the decision to do good or do evil. Unfortunately, in our world today, many people are choosing evil. We tend to shake our fist and yell, "God! Why aren't You doing something?!" We forget that He's already done it all. He's asking us the same question, "Why aren't you doing something?" For those that claim the name of Christ, that is a very good question. He has equipped us. He has shown us and modeled for us exactly what we should do. The choice, however, falls on us. As a teacher, I equip my students with the skills, I model and demonstrate what they are supposed to do for an assignment but it is ultimately up to them to do it. The same goes for us. The Teacher has taught us. Now, we must GO and DO.

So where was God? He was right there...holding those babies. And believe me when I tell you that God's justice prevails over man's. Yes, the coward took his life which means justice on earth isn't really done, but God says, "Vengeance is Mine." And I am quite certain His vengeance trumps any that a human can give.

In this tragedy, I have come to realize that as a teacher, I would do the very same thing. I would give my life to protect my 66 5th graders...every last one of them. They drive me crazy. They talk too much. The girls are full of drama. Some of them are way too whiny. But at the end of the day, those are my kids and I would put myself in front of them to protect them. I would do whatever it takes to make sure no harm came to them. I can't imagine how it must have felt on that campus that day and I pray that in time, they will heal.

We don't have cable so I don't watch the news and this evening was the first time since Friday that I got on the computer. When I saw the names of all the victims angels, I just started to cry. I know that they are safe in the arms of Jesus but my heart aches for their families. I don't want to remember the shooter's name. I don't want to know what he looked like. These are the names I want to remember...names we should all remember:

Charlotte Bacon, 2/22/06, female (age 6)
Daniel Barden, 9/25/05, male (age 7)
Olivia Engel, 7/18/06, female (age 6)
Josephine Gay, 12/11/05, female (age 7)
Ana M. Marquez-Greene, 04/04/06, female (age 6)
Dylan Hockley, 03/08/06, male (age 6)
Madeleine F. Hsu, 07/10/06, female (age 6)
Catherine V. Hubbard, 06/08/06, female (age 6)
Chase Kowalski, 10/31/05, male (age 7)
Jesse Lewis, 06/30/06, male (age 6)
James Mattioli, 03/22/06, male (age 6)
Grace McDonnell, 11/04/05, female (age 7)
Emilie Parker, 05/12/06, female (age 6)
Jack Pinto, 05/06/06, male (age 6)
Noah Pozner, 11/20/06, male (age 6)
Caroline Previdi, 09/07/06, female (age 6)
Jessica Rekos, 05/10/06, female (age 6)
Avielle Richman, 10/17/06, female (age 6)
Benjamin Wheeler, 9/12/06, male (age 6)
Allison N. Wyatt, 07/03/06, female (age 6)

ADULTS
Rachel Davino, 7/17/83, female (age 29)
Dawn Hochsprung, 06/28/65, female (age 47)
Anne Marie Murphy, 07/25/60, female (age 52)
Lauren Russeau, 1982, female (age 29)
Mary Sherlach, 02/11/56, female (age 56)
Victoria Soto, 11/04/85, female (age 27)

Best Intentions

You ever hear that phrase? "Well, I had the best of intentions..."

Chances are, if you've known me for any length of time, you've heard me say this a time or two (or three or four).

I'm going to get real transparent here for a minute. I am going to confess: I. Am. A. Best. Intentioner.

Yup, there it is folks. I said it. I made up a word too. That's when you know I mean business.

I've always wanted to be the kind of person others could depend on and count on, the type of person that does what she says she is going to do. And when I say I'm going to do something, in my heart of hearts, I really truly desire to do that something. I truly believe that I will get it done.

So what happens between the "going to do" and the "just didn't get to it?" I don't have an answer for that one. I can make excuses: "I didn't have the money," "Life happened," "Something else came up," "I just didn't have the time." But these statements are just that: excuses. Now of course there have been times where I really had plans to do something or finish something and honestly circumstances out of my control crept up and got in the way. It happens to everyone. But 8 times out of 10, it's my own laziness that gets in the way.

Training for a 5k or half marathon: doesn't cost money - I'm just lazy.
Serving in certain areas: doesn't cost money - it just hasn't been "convenient."
Planning certain things for my students - there's that laziness again.
Cooking a meal I've planned after being at work all day - laziness.

God has really convicted me of this: my laziness. My idleness. It's not okay. But I'll be honest, laziness is actually a habit and it's a tough one to break.

I think sometimes we rename our laziness. We call it "relaxing," or "taking a breather," or "exhaustion" and of course sometimes we do need to relax and sometimes exhaustion is very real. But in my case, it's usually a good old-fashioned case of laziness.

I want to finish what I start.
I want my intentions to turn into actions.
I want to be a "do what I sayer" instead of a "best intentioner."

So all it boils down to is making sure I spend time in the word, getting off my bum and exercising, serving where I'm needed no matter how uncomfortable or inconvenient, following through with my plans, and cooking the meals that I have planned. It doesn't seem like a lot right? That's because it's not. It's really not. I just have to be intentional about my intentions. I have to follow through. As Nike would say...I have to "just do it."

No more excuses. No more doing nothing. No more bailing on my plans.
Time to do what I say I'm going to do.

The Wound

I have been tossing the topic of this blog around for a while...a few weeks actually. I haven't posted in a while and usually when I get the "itch" I just gotta write. I think the reason I have put off writing this blog is because it is so emotional. I've been in a Women's Bible Study the past few weeks that had me going into the past and opening wounds I thought had healed. So here goes.

We all have a wound...women especially. If you're a living, breathing woman, you have been wounded at some time in your life. All of our wounds are different (and some of us have several). Some wounds are deep and take a lot to heal. Many women have wounds that still bleed, that still cause pain, and that are still in need of stitches. Some women have partially healed wounds but if that wound is "picked" at or "bumped," the bleeding begins again. Others have a wound that they try desperately to hide. They stick a flesh colored band aid over it and try to forget about it, hoping no one will notice. Still others have wounds that have healed over and are nothing more than a scar. Many of those women wear that scar like a badge of honor and can actually talk about how it got there. So, dear friend, what kind of wound do you have?

To clear up any confusion, I am talking about a "heart wound" not a "body wound" (although that can actually be the source of your heart wound as well).

Heart wounds come from all kinds of situations: physical, emotional, mental, sexual abuse; abandonment; extreme criticism; affairs; lies; gossip; etc.

Many of our wounds are inflicted by the very people we trust the most - our family. Wounds don't necessarily come from a one time incident but can be the result of years of inner or outer turmoil.
If we don't deal with these wounds and allow Christ to come in and  take over, bitterness will. The pain that we experienced as children or teenagers or even young adults will inevitably cause us to inflict pain on others whether from our own words, actions, or even inaction. If you grew up with a critical parent, chances are you might just end up being critical yourself. If you grew up with a worryer, maybe you find yourself doing much of the same. If you were raised in a negative household, perhaps you are negative too. Look at your past and then look at your present. Have you been able to break some chains and interrupt the ugly cycle that has plagued your family for possibly generations or are you still caught up? Maybe you don't even realize it.

I'm grateful to have a mother who broke a lot of cycles in the midst of raising me and I am thankful still that there are cycles that I am breaking even in my own life. I've had to look within myself and open up old wounds I thought were healed in order to really be honest with myself. I've had to forgive again...and again. I'm certainly a work in progress but I'm thankful that my Jesus works from the inside out. I'm thankful that my Jesus desires me as I am now and not what I could be. I am thankful that my Jesus did what He did for me on the cross. And I'm thankful that He pursues me and holds me up...because if it were the other way around, I'd be in trouble.

It will be hard. It will be painful. But I promise you it will be worth it. Dive into your past. Discover what sins you "learned" as a child that you are still carrying with you. Find the bitterness you harbor and begin the road to clearing it out and making room for forgiveness. Only then can you experience the full power of God at work in your life. Wouldn't you like to be free?

Selling Jesus

Okay, so admittedly, the title is a bit far fetched.
Or is it?

But it has to do with a conversation my husband, brother-in-law, and I had Saturday night at the Matthew West concert. Now, mind you, I've been to a jillion (yes, a jillion) Christian concerts in my short 25 years. I've purchased CD's, t-shirts, posters, and the like from the merchandise stations in the foyers of said concerts and I haven't thought twice. Saturday night, however, as we walked in the doors at Victory Church and strolled past the merch tables on our way to find our seats in the sanctuary, my brother-in-law made the comment that he wondered how Jesus would feel about these merchandising tables, if He would overturn them like He did the money changers in the temple.
Matthew 21:12 (KJV) says, "And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves."

And that started a very interesting dialogue between us - mostly hubs and b-i-l at first because their questions and comments were making me think and I honestly didn't want to think. The conversation then turned to actually selling tickets to Christian concerts or even those labeled "Worship concerts," or selling "Worship CD's." The question arose, "Do we (as Christians) try to sell worship?" I made the point that you can't actually "sell" worship. Worship is an action and therefore something that you choose to do. A song is not an actual song of worship until you make it a song of worship in your heart. However, the point was made.

First of all, is it wrong for concerts that are held in a house of worship to have tables selling merchandise? Is that not like the money changers in the temple? What about those churches that have book stores? Honestly, I'm throwing out questions. I do not claim to have the answers.

Later that night, hubs and I started talking about how we as a Christian culture have marketed Jesus. We put Him on shirts, key chains, bumper stickers, bobble heads, you name it. Now I see the idea behind shirts that can create opportunities to share Jesus with someone who might make a comment about it. But have you seen Jesus bobble heads? That is  - ridiculous. Have we reduced the King of Kings to a bobble head? I used to hate those "Jesus is my homeboy" t-shirts that were so popular a few years ago. Was it a few? Could have been 10 years ago and at this point, that feels like a few. Anyway, I just thought they were downright degrading. He is the Name above all names, the risen Son of God, and we have the audacity to make him a trend on a t-shirt? And that's exactly what those shirts were - a trend. Friends, Jesus is NOT a trend. I just want to make that clear. He is, was, and always will be. End of story.

So I guess I wrote this in hopes that I'd get some feedback. What are your thoughts? Are we as a Christian culture trying to "sell Jesus?" Is it okay to sell artist merchandise at tables inside a house of worship? Let's dialogue. I don't claim to know the answers and I certainly don't want to start some nasty debate so if you're interested in leaving feedback, please be courteous. Scripture welcome too...

Really?

Once Upon a Dream

As far back as I can remember, I have wanted to be a writer. At a very early age I was creating my own stories. Mom tells me I never let her read to me. I would just take the book myself and come up with my own tale. I wrote numerous stories throughout grade school: mysterious alien abductions (yes, you can laugh), magical jars of sand, victims becoming friends with their bullies - you name it. It didn't matter, as long as I was creating some other world.

Somewhere along the way (I'm not sure when) the passionate writer in me fizzled out - bombarded by the mundane writing of an overachieving student. Don't get me wrong, I dazzled my teachers with my writing (or baffled with BS, either one). It was always on point - it just wasn't ME. It was academic. I don't like writing academically. I like creating.

In college, through one of my favorite professors (one of many), Professor DeBorde (whom I had the privelege of taking 3 classes with), I grabbed hold of that long lost passion. It was like finding an old pair of shoes that fit just right. I brought those "shoes" out, dusted them off, and tried them on realizing then how much the writing thing just fit me.

Herein lies the problem though: I get a great idea for a story. I run with it for a few months. I add to the precision of the plot, the complexity of the characters, the chaos of the conflicts, and things are going really well. The movie in my head is being transformed to words on a page and I am all in.

Until.

If you're a writer, you've been there. It's the worst feeling. It's a nightmare, and for some can take weeks, months, or even YEARS to claw their way through the darkness.

The BLOCK. The writer's block. It's a true thing, people. If you're not a writer, you don't understand this. You may struggle with knowing where to start writing something at times but a true writer's block can only be experienced by a true writer. Sorry, but that's the truth.

I have grandiose ideas for whatever story I am writing at the time and words are flowing steadily until one day I feel like I've hit a wall and I have no idea where to take the rest of the story. And that, dear friends, is the story of this writer's life. I have started so many stories that I have had the notion of turning into a novel or at the very least a novella and then I hit the block and it never does get finished.

For a while I became bogged down with comparing my writing to others and just thinking that it wasn't as good or creative or complex...but I've decided not to do that anymore. My writing is exactly that - it's mine. I have my own voice and my own way of telling things and I don't need to worry about how anyone else tells it.

Right now I have a book I've started and have allowed only a few people to read. I haven't worked on it in a while because I've been unsure of where to take it - the block, people, the block. I hate it. But I've decided to just write and discover as I go. I mean, I always have the revision process. I think what did it was when my hubby actually said today, "You need to write." For some strange reason, hearing that confirmation from him was like gasoline to an engine.

I do need to write. I need to write and finish this story I've been working on - a story of forgiveness, redemption, and unconditional love. I will finish it. I've decided to spend 30 minutes a night just working on it. Hubby has given me his blessing to do that (because I don't want to take time away from him) but I have to devote time to it for it to ever get done. So hold me accountable will you? Ask me periodically how the book is coming so I am forced to be honest with myself.

Perhaps in a few years, you'll be one of the first to own the debut novel of this aspiring author. That's the dream!