With His Feathers

It's been a week.

A week since our world was wrecked.

A week since our lives were turned upside down.

A week since we went in for an ultrasound to see our precious baby girl and walked out with our hearts shattered and broken. 

It's been a week.

You hear about these things. You pray for those that go through them. You feel sympathy. But you never once think it could happen to you.

Until it does. 

December 29th, those 2 beautiful lines crossed on a pregnancy test and we were saying, "Ready or Not!"

March 15th, we were told we were going to have a sweet baby girl, our Zivah Noelle. We were overjoyed. So many prayers answered and dreams coming true. Having a girl was about more than just having one of each. It was about more than just future mani/pedi or shopping dates and about more than princess dresses and playing with makeup (all things I was looking forward to). It was about breaking chains. There is a long chain of strained father/daughter relationships in my family and I wanted to break that. I wanted to watch my little girl get her daddy wrapped around her fingers and watch as they broke the chains of lacking father/daughter bonds. 

April 11th, those dreams seemed to shatter before our eyes. I threw up in the parking lot with my husband holding my hair. We drove home in stunned silence, one of my hands extended to hold my son's hand in the back, his 7 year old mind wondering why his sister wasn't going to be with us, and the other one gripping my husband's. We drove home to a house containing clothes our girl will never wear, diapers she will never use, and sandals I will never get to put on her little feet. 

At 12:33am on April 14th, I delivered our little girl. After one dose of pain medication, I didn't need more. My sweet heavenly Father took my pain away long after the pain meds wore off. He also gave me the most precious vision I could have ever asked for. As I lay there, breathing through the pain and the drowsiness of the pain meds, I saw her. I saw our girl in a white flowing dress in an ever-reaching field of beautiful wildflowers with her hands wrapped in our Savior's as He twirled her around. She was laughing and smiling and it gave me so much peace...so much peace to get through the next several hours. 

When the grief grips me and the anxiety wraps around my chest like a vice (like it did yesterday as I collapsed on the kitchen floor in a sobbing heap), I am able to go to that place, see her, and breathe again. 

This pain is unlike any other. I can't describe it. Only those that have walked this dark valley can truly understand. But we have been held up through so many prayers and support and love. It is amazing the people that come to surround you when tragedy strikes. We are holding on tightly to each other and even tighter to the One who will continue to walk through this valley with us. He is here...in the midst of the madness. 

I don't know when the raw pain will dissipate for us. I don't know when the stages of grief we seem to cycle through daily will finally stop cycling. I don't know when "normal" will feel normal again, if ever. But I do know that our God is still good. I do know that my husband and I are even closer and this will make us stronger eventually. I do know that "He will cover [us] with His feathers and under His wings, [we] will find refuge." 

What She Took Away

I know. I know. It has been over a year since my last post. I'm not sure why I quit writing. Life? Lack of inspiration? Busyness? Whatever it was, I'm back. Hopefully more frequently than once a year. 

This blog has been forming in the recesses of my mind since Monday morning. We just endured a record breaking hurricane here in Florida - - - Irma. Right after Texas dealt with Harvey and people all over were figuring out ways to send aid, Florida started preparing for Irma, the largest and strongest storm ever recorded in the Atlantic. We saw what she did to the little islands and suddenly, all of Florida was in hurricane prep mode. It wasn't like hurricanes past where this storm was only going to affect a specified portion of Florida. Literally, the entire state was going to be affected simply due to Irma's massive size. I've been a Floridian my entire life - 30 years - and I have never been worried about a hurricane. We went through three of them my senior year of high school and not a single one of those made me nervous. But there was something about Irma...

Our school district let us off on Thursday and Friday so families could prepare and evacuate if they felt the need. I never felt the need to evacuate - just prepare as best as we could. We cleared the back patio, put sandbags down by our patio doors leading inside, covered our front windows with plywood, bought hurricane snacks and non perishable food, filled every container we could find with water, and hoped for the best. Our biggest concerns were the large oak trees on our property and praying if they decided to go down, they would go down in such a way that they wouldn't damage any property. Well, those prayers were answered. They stayed upright (although it's a high priority to top one off and bring one down in the near future). Gabe and I slept through the worst of the storm while my hubby stayed up until the wee hours praying over our home and others. 

Irma took away a lot. As we emerged from our home Monday morning around 7:30 to survey the damage, we were overcome with gratitude that our home had been spared. Others were not so lucky. A sweet family I know (I worked with the mom and taught their daughter last year) lost everything when their home flooded late Sunday night. Two homes in our neighborhood were damaged due to fallen trees. One neighbor had someone's mangled shed in their yard. Multiple fences were down. Most people were without power. As we drove around our surrounding area, we found more devastation. Trees on top of roofs or through roofs and on cars and in the road. Power lines strung across roads blocking people from exiting their neighborhoods, flooded streets, power poles snapped in half like tiny twigs. 

Irma didn't just take away people's material things - she took away a sense of comfort and normalcy and security for many. She took away in a matter of hours what people had worked for years to build. She took away life as we know it. For some, it was absolutely devastating; for others it was a minor inconvenience in comparison. Being without power is no picnic. We have been one of the lucky ones to be without power for less than 48 hours. Others are still without it and going on Day 6. Pray for them and pray for our linemen working 16 hour shifts to restore and rebuild. They are amazing. 

Yes, Irma took away a lot. But not everything she took away will be missed. You see, she also took away (at least for now) division - division by race, ethnicity, religion, economic status, etc. No one was asking what your belief system was or how much money you had in the bank or what nationality you were or who you voted for before pitching in to help. Neighbors helped neighbors. Communities helped communities. Black and white helped each other. Christian and non-Christian helped each other. Rich and poor helped each other. The media would have you believe that we are more divided than ever. But I can tell you from what I've seen of my community this last week, that is simply not true. That's another thing Irma took away - constant coverage of the "racial divide." Instead of hearing about white supremacist groups and the taking down of "offensive" statues and how awful our president is - the focus was on the swirling monster in the sea headed for Florida. And yes, afterwards the focus is on the devastation. But not for most. Most are focused on helping. I have seem more good in these last few days than I have in a very long time. We seem to appreciate each other a little more. She also took away excuses. So many times people use excuses to not help. Whether it's their schedule or family life or what have you, (and I'll confess I've been the excuse maker more often than not) people didn't use excuses. If they couldn't do physical labor, they offered to provide meals or open their homes to those without power. She took away pride - the dangerous kind of pride - and replaced it with humility. 

On Monday morning as the sound of Irma's howling and screaming winds gave way to the sound of generators and chain saws, the nervousness and fear she brought with her gave way to gratitude and a sense of unity. We all went through this together and so naturally, we all came together to help one another and "love thy neighbor." 

So yes, I'm certainly not a big fan of Irma. She did a lot of physical damage. She tore apart houses and flooded streets. She uprooted trees. She snapped power poles in two. But in a way I also have some appreciation for her since she also seemed to take with her the hatred and bitterness and divisiveness we'd all been hearing so much about recently. I hope it never comes back. I hope this sense of unity and belonging no matter who you are stays around. Let's continue helping and loving and being the hands and feet of Jesus. I mean, what do we have to lose?

Love to all,
Kayla

The Shield of Faith

The past few weeks, our pastor has been preaching a series on the Armor of God. We missed a couple weeks due to sickness and being out of town but this morning, he brought the Word with great force. 

He talked about how the struggles we go through are calculated moves by the enemy. We don't see these moves and so often we focus on what we see in front of us. But if we are to have victory in the midst of these struggles, we have to address the source and we have to throw up our shield of faith. 

He gave a scenario that hit home for me. He talked about girls (or boys too) that grow up in a home where dad has decided to leave. He gave other options too - like physically there but emotionally unavailable fathers, abusive fathers, etc. I just happen to fall into the first category. He discussed the often times sad results of a girl who grows up without her father. She tends to grow up searching for anything and anyone to fill that void, that dad-shaped hole. She listens to the conniving and manipulative lip service of boys who only want for one thing. She doesn't see her worth. And because she continues to seek love in literally "all the wrong places" she continues to be hurt. The cycle goes on.

I sat there thinking, That could have been me. With the scary statistics surrounding girls who grow up without dads, that probably should have been me. 

But it wasn't. Praise God---it wasn't. You see, thankfully, I had a mother and other great people in my life who taught me about that shield of faith. That shield keeps the fiery darts of the enemy from fully reaching you. Trust me, I had plenty of darts sent my way as I was growing up. I'm so grateful, though, that I grew up in a home of faith. I'm convinced my mom prayed that shield over our home.

I knew my relationship with Christ is what kept me from a lot of stupid decisions, but I knew others who had a relationship too and they succumbed to some choices that did not honor God. Now I feel that what made me different from others who grew up in similar situations is that shield of faith. I've always had a strong faith and I see now that my faith is what kept me grounded. It helped me realize my worth as a child of God, a daughter of the King. I may not have always felt worthy...but I knew in my heart that I was. 

I'm certainly not immune to the fiery darts of the enemy. And I'm not perfect so sometimes when I rely on my own strength, my arm gets tired of holding the shield and it comes down. And I feel the results of a faith that's not being practiced. Those darts come in the form of insecurity, complacency, negativity, judgement...these are some of the things the enemy uses against me. When my shield is not up, those darts get to me and they cause me to listen to the lies spoken by the enemy.

Obviously, all parts of the armor of God are of great importance...otherwise it wouldn't say, "Put on the FULL armor of God." But that shield may just be slightly more important. You can have all the other pieces of the armor on and ready but if that shield is not up, those darts will reach you and they will inflict damage. Keep your shield up. Keep it poised and ready. Your faith will defeat the enemy. 

Photo taken by me: artwork mine (well, I traced the girl).

But God...

Note: At the time that you are reading this, I have been working on this blog for at least 2 weeks. I just couldn't form the appropriate words. 

Ten years ago, an 18 year old girl was struggling with how to save her college roommate. She knew she was spiraling out of control and had no idea how to help her apart from praying and hoping that somehow she would come to her senses. This same 18 year old girl, even after a year of living with her roommate and knowing some dark truths about her, had no idea of the darkness she had been pulled into by that point. How could she? After all, these two girls came from two completely different worlds. One from a "squeaky clean" Christian home where the most darkness she'd encountered was the inside of her eyelids (or so it seemed), and the other from a lifetime of darkness so deep and thick that even the flame of a candle didn't seem to stand a chance.

Yet, for some reason, the Giver of gifts saw fit to put these two opposites together. Despite all odds, these two girls formed a connection that is almost inexplicable.

You see...that 18 year old girl was me. And that roommate was Liz - of whom you may have read about here or here.

Our friendship and our connection was forged not by having a bunch of things in common. It was much deeper than that. It IS much deeper than that. Honestly, I have a difficult time even putting it into words.

Due to that connection, she is someone I truly agonized over spiritually speaking. Oh, if I'd only known.


I keep stepping back and looking at the whole picture: how we met, our time in college together, our deep rooted connection, losing touch, my constant searches for her, our "cyber-reunion," and finally, several weekends ago, and everything that God did and is continuing to do.


It's been almost three weeks since I dropped off my sweet Liz at the airport and watched her walk the opposite direction. We spent a very short few days together but God did some amazing things in those few days that I never, in my wildest dreams, would have expected.

First of all, I don't think anyone who attended the Prizm 5K understood how terrifying it was for her to actually come back to Florida. The last time she was in this state, she was running away. She swore she'd NEVER come back.

But, God....

I've learned to never say never when it comes to my Heavenly Father. I think she's learned the same...

The only word I can find to fit that weekend is surreal. I kept feeling as if someone should pinch me so that I could be sure I wasn't dreaming. I cannot express to you how humbling it is to have the Lord write me into part of such a beautiful and redeeming story.

The enemy meant her life for evil and destruction, But God turned it into a beautiful masterpiece.

Sometimes I wonder if God ever looked down on a couple of college girls and lovingly whispered, "Just you wait, girls. You have no idea the story I am weaving together for the two of you. Just wait and see the beauty that I am going to make out of these seemingly useless ashes. Just wait."

I tear up thinking about how good God is and how much He loves the business of redeeming brokenness. I can't wait to see what else He has in store for our story. It sure is one worth writing. He is doing some awesome things. BIG things. Unimaginable things. I'm so grateful I get to be a part of it.

We finished together. And in doing so, we began something new.

Pictures courtesy of Fuel Church.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ..."

The War Within

Do you ever feel at war with yourself?

I suppose this can happen in many different ways with different people but for me lately, it has been a constant war with my spirit and my flesh and the desires of both.

Our pastor has been doing a mini-series on Elijah (which has been amazing) and he's talked the last couple weeks about going into the "deep" spiritually. Coincidentally enough, "launch into the deep" has been the call I've heard from God for a couple of years now without really knowing what He meant by it. There have been a few times where I thought I knew, only to find out later, that's not quite the direction He had in mind. But this idea of the "deep" has not been new to me and God sends it roaring into my radar every now and then just to make sure I haven't forgotten that He's called me to the "deep." What that "deep" is I'm still praying through. 

So...this war within myself. I find myself praying earnestly and genuinely for the Lord to break me. I know that it is only when I am truly broken that I can be used by Him as He desires to use me. I want Him to let loose in my life and allow me the opportunity to do something incredible in His name and for His glory. But then...

My flesh begins to creep in and I start to think..."Well, I want You to go crazy in my life, Lord, but maybe not too crazy. I like my comfort and the slight predictability that I have. I like knowing what's coming. I like structure and rules and knowing what's expected of me." And then that spirit side jumps in and says, "Yeah, but God doesn't always operate like that and if you're truly offering yourself, you're going to have to let that go." Oh, that's scary. Letting go of control...

Letting go of the reigns of my life so that He can truly REIGN in my life. 
Letting go of what I think I know so that He can be the ONE that I KNOW. 
Letting go of what I think I want so that He can do what HE WANTS.
Letting go of my desires so that He can give me HIS DESIRES. 

So I find myself vacillating between these two extremes and it frustrates me. I don't want to cater to my flesh. I want to feed my spirit and allow God to do what He will. 

I'm sure I'm not alone in finding myself comparing my Christian walk and life to others. I see how God uses others in such incredible ways and wonder why not me, Lord? But then our pastor said something that punched me in the gut on Sunday morning and has been bubbling at the surface of my mind the last few days. 
He said, "What is significant about those that God uses is not their gifts, talents, or position - it is their SURRENDER." 

That's just it - I have not fully surrendered. And I know that surrender is not a one time deal. It's a process. A process that God and I are working through together.

I know that the flesh is where the enemy wants me to stay and camp. But I also know that I have a Savior fighting for me. My prayer and my plea is that I will seek the Lord with all that I have and allow Him to continue to refine me. I know that refining may hurt and it might not be pretty. But I also know that it is out of the ashes of a life broken for Him that He can truly make beauty. I've seen it first hand. 

I want to experience all that obedience and surrender to Him have to offer. Therefore, no matter what, my spirit will win the war over my flesh. There is no other option.  

Photo not mine.

Used from ryanbeanforjesus.blogspot.com 

Full Circle (Part 2)

Wow. It has been months since I've blogged. Never my intention. But school started and life just went full blown crazy after that. Lots of changes happened this year at school and I was involved for a while in what seemed like a million different things. Then, I let a few things go and have been trying to be more intentional about spending time with my family. But I miss writing. Every so often I think about a topic I'd like to write about and then....life just happens and I forget. Well, here I am now.

Last July I wrote a blog titled "Full Circle" about my reunion of sorts with my roommate from college. Little did I know in July, that I would become part of a team of incredible women who would plan a 5k to fight human trafficking in our city and abroad. My amazing church is hosting our 1st annual Prizm 5k on April 23rd to raise funds for Porch Light ministries that operates a local safe house for rescued girls and also for The Hard Places in Cambodia that has been and is doing incredible work to fight trafficking over there. 

We've been planning since October and as soon as we knew the date and the final details, I asked my girl if there was any way she could hop on a plane to come speak at our event. She said yes. She bought the ticket. And in 19 days, I get to see her radiant face and hug her and rejoice over the story that our incredible God wrote for her and decided (for whatever humbling reason) to make me a part of as well.

We are both giddy with excitement and overcome with complete joy that God has written this into both of our stories...that after 10 years, we get to be together again. She made the statement last week that this was so surreal for her. The last time she was in Lakeland (or Florida for that matter), she was selling herself/being sold...and now, she is coming back to help free other girls like her. If you don't believe that only God can orchestrate something so meaningful, then I honestly feel sorry for you. THAT, my friend, is a full circle. A complete circle sealed together with love, friendship, restoration, forgiveness, safety, family, and peace. This time when she runs...she gets to run FOR freedom instead of TO freedom. This time when she runs....she gets to run TO HELP RESCUE instead of TO BE RESCUED. This time when she runs...she gets to run TO HELP GIVE LIFE instead of TO SAVE HER LIFE. This time she gets to run for others instead of herself. 

What about you? What have you been running from? Could you put that energy toward something greater than yourself? If you're anywhere in the Greater Orlando or Tampa area or anywhere in between, register for our Prizm 5k. You won't be sorry. Maybe you can be a part of a full circle story for someone else. 

fuel.church/prizm5k

REGISTER TODAY!!!!

Ever Be...

It's rather difficult to explain what exactly happened to me last Sunday morning in the middle of our service at church. I didn't come in with a particularly heavy heart. I'd had a good morning and wasn't frustrated. I was happy to be in the Lord's house and was excited to hear our Pastor bring the Word. I expected to be ushered into a beautiful time of praise via our worship band and I expected to be challenged during the message. What I did not expect was the spiritual drenching I received from the first chord of the first song to the last drum beat of the final song and on throughout the remainder of the day. 

Out of nowhere, the tears came. With each song, I felt something different being spoken to my spirit. We sang "This is Amazing Grace" and I was overwhelmed by the fact that I receive an amazing grace that I can never do anything to deserve. With "For the Cross" I broke down over the sacrifice my Savior made for me - my death that He took upon Himself. With a Fuel original called "Jesus We Adore You" I was brought back to that idea of Jesus being my first love. I remember thinking most girls have the ability to say that their daddy was their first love but I didn't have that. I had it better. Because my Heavenly Daddy, my Savior, truly was my first love. But perhaps the song that resonated with me most and has been speaking to me all week, was "Ever Be."

In case you aren't familiar with this beautiful song from Bethel Music, the lyrics go like this: 

Your love is devoted
like a ring of solid gold
Like a vow that is tested
like a covenant of old
Your love is enduring
through the winter rain
And beyond the horizon
with mercy for today

Faithful You have been
and faithful You will be
You pledge yourself to me
and it's why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips,
ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips,
ever be on my lips

You Father the orphan
Your kindness makes us whole
You shoulder our weakness
And Your strength becomes our own
You're making me like You
Clothing me in white
Bringing beauty from ashes

For You will have Your bride

Free of all her guilt
and rid of all her shame
And known by her true name
and it's why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips,
ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips,
ever be on my lips 

You will be praised You will be praised
With angels and saints we sing worthy are You Lord
You will be praised You will be praised
With angels and saints we sing worthy are You Lord

and it's why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips,
ever be on my lips
Your praise will ever be on my lips,
ever be on my lips

This song has been my praise this week. But as I sang it (through tears and snot) on Sunday, it hit me. If His praise is always on my lips, then there isn't room for other stuff. I wouldn't have room to complain or grumble. I wouldn't have room to gossip. I wouldn't have room to speak any type of negativity. If His praise is ever on my lips, then none of that other stuff can seep out. And so, that is my goal. My goal is to have His praise always on my lips, whether it be in the form of gratitude or encouragement or positive words...somehow, some way, I will strive to always be praising Him. If His praise is in my heart constantly, then everything I say and do will be filtered through that...and I can think of no better way to live this life. I'm not going to get it right every day. But at least it's a reminder I can give myself when I find myself faltering. 

Lord, help me to ever be...praising YOU.

Image borrowed from http://hecallsmelovely.com/