Journey to Health

If you know me well at all, you know that I am not a vegetable eater. Honestly, I am not a "anything good for me" eater.

I have spent the better part of a year not really paying attention to what I put into my mouth. I've tried a number of times to eat better and lose this excess weight and I always seem to fail. I'd have spurts of absolute willpower that would eventually wain and I'd fall off the health wagon. Instead of running after it and hopping back on, I'd sit in the road and watch it pull farther away while I wallowed in self pity eating my emotions.

First - I am a coffee drinker. Since I've been married, I've pretty much had a cup of coffee every morning (except during my pregnancy). Coffee in and of itself is not so bad, but pair it with flavored creamer and added sweetener (i.e. the only way I even like it) and its probably not the best option.

Second - I like soda...a lot. Since school started, if I had $.75 to spare, I would get a coke from the vending machine. I am well aware of these empty calories but always told myself I "needed" one to get me through the rest of the day.

Third - I love bacon, eggs, pork chops, mac-n-cheese, etc. Once in a while these things may not be too bad, but too much....not good. And I ate TOO much.

Before the new year, I really had resolved that I wasn't making any "health" goals this year. I wasn't going to be cliche. That was until I watched "Vegucated," another food documentary about the conditions that these animals live in (seriously, Netflixers, watch it...it will open your eyes). At that time, on an almost daily basis, hubby would make delicious egg, bacon, and cheese breakfast burritos in the mornings. Delicious. But soooo not good for you. He'd fry up the bacon, cook the eggs in the bacon grease, slap it on a flour tortilla with some cheddar cheese and viola! We couldn't bear the thought of eating bacon after that documentary.

Since the new year, I am proud to announce that I have not consumed one ounce of soda and this week, I cut out coffee. I actually cut out coffee over the summer for a bit and I have found that juicing fresh oranges in the morning while going off coffee helps to cut down on my caffeine withdrawals tremendously. We have slowly been eating up the food we have in the house, including meat, because we do not want to waste it, but I am in the process of creating a month's worth of meal ideas that are more vegetarian. I wanted to go strictly vegan and tried that once before only to fail miserably. But I think I bit off more than I could chew. This time, I'm taking it slow, cutting out things here and there. But, my new mantra has been to get veggies in anywhere I can. I am on the hunt for decent "vegan" recipes so that if I find a vegan dish I like, I know that I can do this thing. Ultimately, I'd like to try and cut out as much meat and dairy from my diet as possible but if I do have to splurge on a dish with meat, I want to KNOW that it is truly organic (I simply don't trust store labels anymore). I have cut out my turkey and swiss sandwiches for lunch and have opted instead for peanut butter (natural kind) and jelly paired with carrots or an apple, etc.

My biggest victory moments so far have been: turning down Dunkin Donuts treats, leaving the red velvet cupcakes sitting on the table, not getting a soda when I had money for one in my pocket and really wanted one, going this entire week drinking a smoothie for breakfast (strawberries, banana, spinach, flaxseed, and almond milk) and my favorite: ordering a mediterranean veggie sandwich from Panera that was topped with tomatos, onions, peppers, cucumbers, feta cheese, and hummus...a combo I would have NEVER dared try. But I ordered it, tried it, and actually LIKED it! I really believe that God has done a transformation of my taste buds. I look at some of my favorite foods now and the thought of putting it into my mouth churns my stomach. So I'd say I'm closer than I think.

What's helping me most is not being consumed with the number on the scale. It's just a number and it does not define who I am. I am more concerned with how I feel on a whole. I think I can honestly say I'm enjoying actually eating healthy and I am not seeing it as a burden or inconvenience anymore. A heart attack or diabetes would be inconvenient...but eating healthy is just something I need to do. It needs to be life change.

So I guess I didn't make a goal for 2013. I made a goal for my life. I want to look, feel, and BE healthy. Even after I get to my goal, whenever that may be, I want to continue on this health journey. Perhaps it will enable me to help others and encourage others. That's what it's about anyway right? Paying it forward?

Anniversary, Ambition, Action

Tomorrow will mark our FIVE year wedding anniversary. I cannot believe it's already been five years.

Five years of honesty, laughter, growth, change, and more love than I ever thought possible. Sometimes I just sit back and think about where my life used to be and where it is now and I cannot believe how blessed I am. What did I do to deserve such a wonderful man? Even in these trying times we've had financially, we have remained a team. We always have one another's best interests in mind. I can wholeheartedly say that our relationship is built on the principles of love found in 1 Corinthians 13. One of my favorite nuggets of wisdom from that passage is that "Love keeps no record of wrongs." Jason and I don't fight. Sure, we've had our little squabbles here and there and sometimes my over-analyzing self can blow things out of proportion but I firmly believe that one of the reasons we have never been an arguing couple is because once it's done - it's done. We don't bring up the past mistakes of the other person and throw it in each other's faces. We deal with it, let it go, and move on. I have always loved that about our relationship.

So, since we don't really buy each other anything (mostly due to the money issue), my gift to him will be these top 5 qualities that I love about him...one for every year of marriage. So Bunches, if you're reading this, Happy Anniversary.

1. He is kind hearted and compassionate.
2. He is easy to talk to - I love our deep conversations.
3. He is creative: wood, art, photography, cooking, etc. (I tease him about it being disgusting how talented he is but really, I LOVE it).
4. He is an excellent father - watching him become a daddy has been one of the greatest joys of my life.
5. He loves me for exactly who I am - flaws and all - and never goes a day without reminding me of that love.

I could go on, but I don't want to embarrass him (he actually does read my blog, make that #6, ha!)
Love you, babe!


I posted earlier about this new year and probably mentioned I wasn't making resolutions. Well, I didn't. Not for 2013 anyway. These are my life goals. These are my ambitions. There are 4 of them:

1) Strengthen my relationship with Christ through daily bible study and prayer.
2) Get out of debt and ultimately become financially free through being frugal and budgeting wisely.
3) Get healthy through daily activity and making wise food choices.
4) Get organized through prioritizing time, consistent cleaning, and weekly low cost organizing projects.

Now, these four things cannot just stay in a list. In order to come to fruition, they require a great deal of action. And so, here's how I've already acted:
1) I've downloaded a Bible reading plan on my phone that tells me what to study each day. Sometimes that's our problem. We don't know where to begin.
2) Each paycheck, I sit down and budget everything out. I've started keeping food and gas envelopes. I pay for these items with cash only and once the cash in the envelope is gone, it's gone until the next paycheck. Cash hurts more than plastic. We've also made a list of items we intend to sell on craigslist to further aid our debt payoff efforts. We're following Dave Ramsey's baby steps to financial peace.
3) We have started eating much healthier. We are slowly cutting meat and dairy from our daily diets, as well as refined sugar and processed foods. We are being intentional about what we eat and the activity we do each day. I am eating healthy foods I don't like by cooking them in ways I will eat them.
4)Finally, I am keeping lists. I have kept up with the straightening up of the house, the dishes, keeping our bathroom clean. I am finding tangible and cost effective ways to become more organized (thank you, Pinterest).

I know it's only the 3rd day of 2013 but I'm already feeling good about this year. There's something refreshing about a new year - a new start. It's cliche, I know. But you know it's true.

So, here's to 2013 and more importantly, to 5 glorious years of marriage with an amazing man. Thank you for being everything I'm not. I love you...more.

What Have I Done?

I've been reflecting back over this past year for the last couple of weeks. I read over my New Year's Eve post from last year....and I've come to a realization.

I. Have. Done. Nothing. With. This. Year.

Yup, there it is. The horrifying and startling realization.

I made a list of goals for 2012 on that last day in 2011 and I have not accomplished one of them.

Here was the list.

New Year's Goals 2012
1. Read through the Bible completely. Didn't happen. No excuses.
2. Spend quiet time with God daily. Off and on. No excuses.
3. Read at least one book a month. Started out really well for the first 5 or 6 months and then fizzled. No excuses.
4. Get some form of exercise daily.That one's easy...I'm lazy.
5. Eat healthier, count calories, and treat my body like the temple of God. Okay, I'm getting depressed.
6. Keep my house clean and get organized. I do...and then it forms into its messy disarray again.
7. Get out of credit card debt and save money. We're actually working on this. I hope by this time next year I can say we have accomplished this.
8. Set aside at least one night a month to do something special with my husband (babysitter required). Well, we should really work on this.
9. Take more pictures - of Gabriel and us and everyone. Hey!!! I did take more pics and video of Gabriel. We still need a nice family picture that doesn't cost a lot though. Any takers?
10. Be more positive. Smile more. Don't take life so seriously. Find the good in every person that drives me crazy. Pray. Give. Be kind. Laugh. Be who I was and am created to be. I think I am actually closer to the type of person I want to be but I still have a looooooong way to go.

So other than royally screwing up on my 2012 goals, I have asked myself, What have I done with this year?

The answer?

Really not much. I don't feel like I've made much of a difference at all....in my life or anyone else's.
The simple truth is that I have got to do better. I have to be a better Christ follower, wife, mother, daughter, friend, teacher....person.

So for the first time in...well, ever....I am not going to make New Year's "Resolutions." I am simply going to decide to strengthen my relationship with Christ and with people and follow the steps needed to make that happen. I certainly have things that I really want to accomplish this coming year and beyond and may write out that "bucket list" of sorts at a later date but for now, suffice it to say that I just want to do and be what God wants....whatever that looks like.


I can't say the year was a total bust though. I did start a new job that I love. I did enjoy time with family. I have been challenged spiritually more at Fuel than anywhere else. I did have a blast watching my boy learn and grow and make me laugh. I did learn a lot about myself and have tried to rectify certain situations.

This year brought new challenges that we faced head on and hopefully with some grace. My faith has certainly been strengthened and I can say that I trust God for His provision more now than I ever did before. He has remained faithful even when I was faithless.

So while I feel like I haven't done much this year, God has been doing A LOT! I am promising that 2013 will be different. I don't know what that will look like but it will be different. So this time next year, I can look back and answer my "What have I done" question with pride.

Here's to 2012...you came and went too quickly.
Here's to 2013...we're going to make it a memorable one.

Christmas Doesn't Come From a Store...

I've had a lot of time to think about things this Christmas season. Once again, hubby and I are low on funds and cannot afford a big Christmas. We put three gifts on layaway for Gabriel and were able to pay for those but we do not have the funds to buy for each other or for other members of our family. He has been able to make a few things for some for Christmas which is really nice but we just don't have a lot to buy for people.

And you know what? For the first year since we've been unable to buy for others (it's been several years now), it doesn't bother me. The statement from above about not being to "afford a big Christmas" is a false statement because Christmas is not something you "afford." Christmas cannot be bought. Christmas is a season for family, for giving thanks for what we already have, and for remembering how a baby boy came to save us all.

I don't mind not being able to buy a lot of stuff, even for Gabriel (besides, he's well taken care of by his Tay Tay I'm quite sure). He will learn at a young age that Christmas is not about the gifts under the tree. I want him to grasp the real meaning of Christmas. I want him to get into the giving spirit. When he gets something new, I want him to give another toy away to a child who may not have anything. I want us, as a family, to find ways to bless others instead of worrying about how we are going to afford stuff. That's all it is anyway...stuff. I've had a hard time this year telling people what I "want" for Christmas because in my mind, I'm thinking what do I need? And honestly, I don't need anything. I have everything I need. I have a roof over my head and we can easily make the payments. I have a car I can drive to work and am able to put gas in. I have food in the refrigerator. I have clothes on my back and many in my closet and while I haven't been able to buy new clothes in a very long time, I don't really need any. I have a beautiful family. I have a lot more than the majority of the people in the world. I am blessed beyond measure.

Honestly, I could not ask for more. God has given me more than enough. Simply having the love of my Savior, a very good man, and a precious boy is enough for me.

What hit me first was how many moms and dads are spending Christmas overseas fighting for our country. Their kids would gladly give up any gift just to spend Christmas with them. And now with the tragedy in CT, how many mommies and daddies and sisters and brothers are wishing they could just have their son or daughter or brother or sister back instead of anything under the tree.

So the Grinch had it right when he said that Christmas doesn't come from a store. We'll have a wonderful Christmas just being together.

My earnest prayer this season is not only that we would remember the true reason we celebrate but also that the families effected by the tragedy will feel peace from above as they endure this season with missing pieces from their hearts.

Where is God?

Originally, this post was going to be on the topic of gun control as I was frustrated Friday evening by all the posts on how the tragedy Friday morning was an issue of gun control. But, people will always have their opinions (which they are fully entitled to) and I don't feel like stirring up more controversy. Now is not the time to be controverial...not when 20 families are mourning and grieving the loss of their babies and 6 more the loss of wives, sisters, friends, daughters. So all I will say on the matter is that the real issue Friday was a HEART ISSUE. It was a matter of the heart. And inside the heart of the "human being" (I use that term loosely here) that took those lives Friday was pure evil. Plain. And. Simple.

So instead I will post about the matter of where is God in all of this? Our Pastor spoke a bit on this at church this morning but even before he uttered a word of his very powerful message, during praise and worship, the thought came to me that we often forget God knows what it feels like to lose a child. He watched His only Son die. We forget, yes, even Christians, that He knows and understands the pain and agony that can only be felt by those who have endured the death of a child. Not only did He watch His son die, He watched Him take on the sin of the WORLD. Yes, Christ rose again, and because of that, we have hope - even in death.

Our Pastor spoke some on the fact that God created Adam with the ability to choose. He creates all of us with the ability to choose. He doesn't FORCE us to love Him. As our Pastor said, that would not be true love and God desires true love. With that choice comes the decision to do good or do evil. Unfortunately, in our world today, many people are choosing evil. We tend to shake our fist and yell, "God! Why aren't You doing something?!" We forget that He's already done it all. He's asking us the same question, "Why aren't you doing something?" For those that claim the name of Christ, that is a very good question. He has equipped us. He has shown us and modeled for us exactly what we should do. The choice, however, falls on us. As a teacher, I equip my students with the skills, I model and demonstrate what they are supposed to do for an assignment but it is ultimately up to them to do it. The same goes for us. The Teacher has taught us. Now, we must GO and DO.

So where was God? He was right there...holding those babies. And believe me when I tell you that God's justice prevails over man's. Yes, the coward took his life which means justice on earth isn't really done, but God says, "Vengeance is Mine." And I am quite certain His vengeance trumps any that a human can give.

In this tragedy, I have come to realize that as a teacher, I would do the very same thing. I would give my life to protect my 66 5th graders...every last one of them. They drive me crazy. They talk too much. The girls are full of drama. Some of them are way too whiny. But at the end of the day, those are my kids and I would put myself in front of them to protect them. I would do whatever it takes to make sure no harm came to them. I can't imagine how it must have felt on that campus that day and I pray that in time, they will heal.

We don't have cable so I don't watch the news and this evening was the first time since Friday that I got on the computer. When I saw the names of all the victims angels, I just started to cry. I know that they are safe in the arms of Jesus but my heart aches for their families. I don't want to remember the shooter's name. I don't want to know what he looked like. These are the names I want to remember...names we should all remember:

Charlotte Bacon, 2/22/06, female (age 6)
Daniel Barden, 9/25/05, male (age 7)
Olivia Engel, 7/18/06, female (age 6)
Josephine Gay, 12/11/05, female (age 7)
Ana M. Marquez-Greene, 04/04/06, female (age 6)
Dylan Hockley, 03/08/06, male (age 6)
Madeleine F. Hsu, 07/10/06, female (age 6)
Catherine V. Hubbard, 06/08/06, female (age 6)
Chase Kowalski, 10/31/05, male (age 7)
Jesse Lewis, 06/30/06, male (age 6)
James Mattioli, 03/22/06, male (age 6)
Grace McDonnell, 11/04/05, female (age 7)
Emilie Parker, 05/12/06, female (age 6)
Jack Pinto, 05/06/06, male (age 6)
Noah Pozner, 11/20/06, male (age 6)
Caroline Previdi, 09/07/06, female (age 6)
Jessica Rekos, 05/10/06, female (age 6)
Avielle Richman, 10/17/06, female (age 6)
Benjamin Wheeler, 9/12/06, male (age 6)
Allison N. Wyatt, 07/03/06, female (age 6)

ADULTS
Rachel Davino, 7/17/83, female (age 29)
Dawn Hochsprung, 06/28/65, female (age 47)
Anne Marie Murphy, 07/25/60, female (age 52)
Lauren Russeau, 1982, female (age 29)
Mary Sherlach, 02/11/56, female (age 56)
Victoria Soto, 11/04/85, female (age 27)

Best Intentions

You ever hear that phrase? "Well, I had the best of intentions..."

Chances are, if you've known me for any length of time, you've heard me say this a time or two (or three or four).

I'm going to get real transparent here for a minute. I am going to confess: I. Am. A. Best. Intentioner.

Yup, there it is folks. I said it. I made up a word too. That's when you know I mean business.

I've always wanted to be the kind of person others could depend on and count on, the type of person that does what she says she is going to do. And when I say I'm going to do something, in my heart of hearts, I really truly desire to do that something. I truly believe that I will get it done.

So what happens between the "going to do" and the "just didn't get to it?" I don't have an answer for that one. I can make excuses: "I didn't have the money," "Life happened," "Something else came up," "I just didn't have the time." But these statements are just that: excuses. Now of course there have been times where I really had plans to do something or finish something and honestly circumstances out of my control crept up and got in the way. It happens to everyone. But 8 times out of 10, it's my own laziness that gets in the way.

Training for a 5k or half marathon: doesn't cost money - I'm just lazy.
Serving in certain areas: doesn't cost money - it just hasn't been "convenient."
Planning certain things for my students - there's that laziness again.
Cooking a meal I've planned after being at work all day - laziness.

God has really convicted me of this: my laziness. My idleness. It's not okay. But I'll be honest, laziness is actually a habit and it's a tough one to break.

I think sometimes we rename our laziness. We call it "relaxing," or "taking a breather," or "exhaustion" and of course sometimes we do need to relax and sometimes exhaustion is very real. But in my case, it's usually a good old-fashioned case of laziness.

I want to finish what I start.
I want my intentions to turn into actions.
I want to be a "do what I sayer" instead of a "best intentioner."

So all it boils down to is making sure I spend time in the word, getting off my bum and exercising, serving where I'm needed no matter how uncomfortable or inconvenient, following through with my plans, and cooking the meals that I have planned. It doesn't seem like a lot right? That's because it's not. It's really not. I just have to be intentional about my intentions. I have to follow through. As Nike would say...I have to "just do it."

No more excuses. No more doing nothing. No more bailing on my plans.
Time to do what I say I'm going to do.

The Wound

I have been tossing the topic of this blog around for a while...a few weeks actually. I haven't posted in a while and usually when I get the "itch" I just gotta write. I think the reason I have put off writing this blog is because it is so emotional. I've been in a Women's Bible Study the past few weeks that had me going into the past and opening wounds I thought had healed. So here goes.

We all have a wound...women especially. If you're a living, breathing woman, you have been wounded at some time in your life. All of our wounds are different (and some of us have several). Some wounds are deep and take a lot to heal. Many women have wounds that still bleed, that still cause pain, and that are still in need of stitches. Some women have partially healed wounds but if that wound is "picked" at or "bumped," the bleeding begins again. Others have a wound that they try desperately to hide. They stick a flesh colored band aid over it and try to forget about it, hoping no one will notice. Still others have wounds that have healed over and are nothing more than a scar. Many of those women wear that scar like a badge of honor and can actually talk about how it got there. So, dear friend, what kind of wound do you have?

To clear up any confusion, I am talking about a "heart wound" not a "body wound" (although that can actually be the source of your heart wound as well).

Heart wounds come from all kinds of situations: physical, emotional, mental, sexual abuse; abandonment; extreme criticism; affairs; lies; gossip; etc.

Many of our wounds are inflicted by the very people we trust the most - our family. Wounds don't necessarily come from a one time incident but can be the result of years of inner or outer turmoil.
If we don't deal with these wounds and allow Christ to come in and  take over, bitterness will. The pain that we experienced as children or teenagers or even young adults will inevitably cause us to inflict pain on others whether from our own words, actions, or even inaction. If you grew up with a critical parent, chances are you might just end up being critical yourself. If you grew up with a worryer, maybe you find yourself doing much of the same. If you were raised in a negative household, perhaps you are negative too. Look at your past and then look at your present. Have you been able to break some chains and interrupt the ugly cycle that has plagued your family for possibly generations or are you still caught up? Maybe you don't even realize it.

I'm grateful to have a mother who broke a lot of cycles in the midst of raising me and I am thankful still that there are cycles that I am breaking even in my own life. I've had to look within myself and open up old wounds I thought were healed in order to really be honest with myself. I've had to forgive again...and again. I'm certainly a work in progress but I'm thankful that my Jesus works from the inside out. I'm thankful that my Jesus desires me as I am now and not what I could be. I am thankful that my Jesus did what He did for me on the cross. And I'm thankful that He pursues me and holds me up...because if it were the other way around, I'd be in trouble.

It will be hard. It will be painful. But I promise you it will be worth it. Dive into your past. Discover what sins you "learned" as a child that you are still carrying with you. Find the bitterness you harbor and begin the road to clearing it out and making room for forgiveness. Only then can you experience the full power of God at work in your life. Wouldn't you like to be free?